Heroin.

[this post is a little later than I meant it to be, I tried posting the day it happened, and gmail was acting funny, never mind, its here now]:

I saw someone overdose today.

It was the saddest thing I have ever seen, he was 27-28 according to his friend. Young, at the prime of his life and I'm sure he would have been quite striking if he had not been choking to breathe, turning purple and having a pulse that seems to have stopped, until someone resuscitated him.

I know I have a lot of friends who try drugs or who are on drugs of some sort, usually just "soft" drugs and I feel like it's morally wrong to tell them what to do with their bodies, but after seeing this guy today, I don't care. They need to know.

Everything seems to lead to something else, a kid has his first cigg, then he seems to think it's cool, so he tries pot, then before you know it, he's this guy. Cam, his mate leaning over him, slapping him, shaking him, calling out his name and hoping, beyond hope he won't lose him.

He was lucky, this time. I called the ambo's, a nurse pulled over to help and we all managed to keep him with us til the ambulance arrived. I honestly thought we lost him a few times. God, I don't even know this guy, and I can't sleep to think about it. What if he was my mate, ten years from now? What if my mates are not so lucky? What if no-one was there when it happened? A lot of people overdose when they are using alone. A lot of people don't want to resuscitate an addict because of the high chance of HIV, Hepatitis, and a whole host of other blood borne diseases.

I know we're only young, but do we want to end up like this? Do we want to have our lives snuffed out so easily and with no warning? Fuck the risk, no-one wants that happening to their loved ones.

All my love,
Stacey

A picture says a thousand words

I was digging around TIME.com, and I found an image that really hit me, the contrasts of color and the hint of inpending doom pulled me in.



(c) TIME.com

Fuck you Mr &Mrs Ignorance!

Is it just me, or is the whole world an ignorant blob?

MAN. So I'm talking to a friend today, and they're all, homophobic, which, I'm sure if you asked them (notice the non-sex, I'm making a point, not picking on someone kids), they'd scream as you irrationally and tell you they are "SO NOT!" so anyway, out of nowhere, they brings up sexuality, in a very ignorant way.

Not only is this the stupidest thing this person has said since, I dunno, the last stupid thing they said, it was incredibly offensive. I was utterly disgusted.

I hate ignorance and homophobia, I hate stupid people, and I seem to be surrounded by them.

When is someone going to be happy when their own friends lie, fake, cheat and bag them out FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

So I propose a toast, to all that are not ignorant, offensive assholes.

Yours truly,
Stacey

The freedom, the love, the summer.

I think I'm in love,
With summer.

The first day, of what I consider summer just happened. It was a turning point, I think, in my own life, where I have considered life as more than just school, School feels eternal, but it's really not. It's only for a short time and then it's gone. 13 years for me, plus another few depending on what I decide, in the end, to get into.
I'm going to be a Journalist this week, as I've been told I'm a good writer by some, and I can see where I am lacking in this, as well as being in love with expressing opinion, and travel, as I will be able to do further travel through the job, if I manage to be a foreign correspondent like I'd love to do.
I have 6 school days left, and none of them are "full days." In fact, one of them is only one period.
I'm going to be so sad to see school go but so happy when it's all finally over. I can't wait for life to begin in a new and exciting way.
As my English teach says, every day is my last something at school (he's been saying it all year, to annoy me, but eh), "today is your last September 4th - 5th! (sorry) that you are going to be trying to get out of a SAC early and not going to succeed." and my Drama teach was telling the class today that hey, this is the end of school for you guys, and next year you can be whatever you want to be, if you were more shy, you can become move outgoing so on, as you can be what you want to be, that perhaps you were not able to be throughout high school, you may have felt trapped for whatever reason, and now you will be free.
I could only feel that this may be directed at me, but I was not sure, maybe it was her own personal feelings about us all, or about herself. Maybe I was just letting my tremendous ego run away with me.
There is so much I want to achieve in life and I don't want to get stuck, I think I will perhaps strive to not get stuck, I'm not sure if that's good to admit, but the word "freedom" being carved into my desk is a giveaway to my obsession.
I love writing as I can be as confident as I want to be in my approach, whereas I can not be confident in my speech, something I am clearly in lacking.
There is so much out there and I think my feelings of inspiration may be mirroring the weather, I don't know, but all I know is that I love nights like tonight, those good 'ole summer nights of relief after hot summer days. Just like school, graduation will be the relief for many after this marathon we have all been running.

'Till next time,
Stacey

Ignorance, it's pretty blissful, eh?

Ignorance is bliss, but there are sometimes, when those that have to deal with the sick, sad excuses for "normal" people they see every day, just want to slap some of them out.

I'm so sick of people and their STUPID arguments, sure, there are poor and hungry in our own country, sure our own country has problems, but compared to others, we are a lot better off, there are ways to help the people over here who can't or don't want to work, there is welfare, The government will support you. We have one of the best welfare system's in the world, in Australia.

In other countries, the government takes advantage of its citizen to such an extent that it turns a blind eye to things like forced labor, poverty and famine.

And, even worse still, there are those countries, where the government is the one doing the harm. Places like Burma and Sudan, among many others, and so many westerners, who can, believe it or not, at least try to do something, don't. Why? Because we're lazy, because we want someone else to, because it's too hard, because it's too sad. So what, it's sad, it's depressing, it makes you sick to your stomach, and kids, it's suppose to. Instead of ignoring this, you are suppose to do something! Why do you think you have these feelings? They don't exist for the hell of it.

What sparked this, you may wonder. As you would be right to, many things started me on my walk down the garden path, to this rant I'm at now. But the straw that broke the camel's back was one of my friends using the age old argument that we need to deal with our own country's problems before we deal with those of other countries. For this, I will refer to the following poem, I don't really need to say much more.

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Who will help, if there is no-one left to help? Freedom is essential. Please never forget that. If we don't fight for other peoples freedom, we can have little hope of retaining our own. Haman's are good at turning away when the movie gets gory, too good, even.

OMIGAWD! TEENAGERS!

Sleep deprivation has screwed with my memory.

I can only vaguely remember some things, the things that may be the most important parts of the night.

I remember you – was that you? – smiling at me as I shot you with the ‘laser gun’ and you turned around, saw me, and smiled. I remember us flirting and you “picking on me to get my attention”, my memories are all pretty vague.

But I can remember you, coming and sitting next to me, beside me, panting, you’d been running. You were happy when I spoke to you.

I remember when we got back to your place at 4am, and you must have thought I was staying over, I smiled at you, and you back, then when someone asked whether I would be there all night, you smiled so big, then tried to hide it, and then when I said I wasn’t, you got all sad, and kind of pissed off, if I say so myself.

I want to see where this goes, if this goes anywhere, or was it all fake memory, the haze added to the appeal and you’re really an immature moron who I’m wasting my time thinking about, another waste of time perhaps? God I hope not.

You seemed really sweet, it was all really sweet, and so different to how normal meetings and such are. If this was our first meeting, imagine our first date, imagine… oh god imagine.

I hope this isn’t all just my imagination; I really want this to work out. You’re so cute, and it would be a nice story to tell people.

Fucking politics.

Politics being all around, something I have always been told but never really wanted to believe. Recently, through being with the organization I volunteer with for a while, I have seen three types of political person.

Type one: The power hungry

These types seem to have different means to get the same thing, they are the suck ups at work, the bossy old women who seem to always want their way, the dominants. They want power, it doesn't matter how many people's feet they have to step on to get it.

Type two: The 'tweens'

I consider myself one of these, although they understand it, they don't want to be a part of it, sometimes these types rise in business, sometimes not. Although, they tend to be the people on the sides viewing it all.

Type three: non-politico.

These are the ones who don't seem to understand or care about the politics, they tend to be the "little minions" doing the work for those who understand it all better, if politicians had their way, everyone would be like this.

All three of these are present, on the ships at least, I'm sure there are more, but these are the really obvious ones, and I have grouped a lot of smaller groups together to make it all a simple post. Cut and clean, or so they say.

Arrrr, me hearties.

My dream could come true. I could be a real-deal pirate.

The other day the organization I work with, (seashepherd.org) changed it's plans and decided that they want to move their ship at a different time and this means I could become crew, because the time they were previously moving the ship muddled too much with my own shedual and I couldn't do it, which upset me, but, I could be in the antarctic defending the whales.

OH! SO EXCITING!

I honestly can't wait to be out there, seeing the world and conserving the whales, they are the most awesome animals on the planet and far be it from me to let them die out just because a few money-hungry thugs want to prove a point to the rest of the world, "we're not going to be told what to do", well I'm sorry, but you are, and I will be there to do something against you.

Yes. There is a war, and I'm going to have the chance (maybe) to stop the wrong-doers and be on the front lines, fighting the good fight.

Love, me.

I wanna be in the media! woah!

I've decided I want to be part of the manipulators, I want to be part of those that shape the view of the many and care about so few.

I want to be part of a group that's worse than politicians, I want to be part of a group that says and dose what it wants to make a few dollars, that wrecks lives and makes people cry without having to fire a single shot.

The truth? You can't handle the truth. No, I'm really serious, I want to be a media kid.

Saying things that are significant, or even things with no significants whatsoever.

I think I'd be great, don't you?

It's in my blood, and it should be in yours too.

M-E-D-I-A. It's my generation, it's yours, it's all of us, and it's quite a few bucks.

Breeding season. Baby season.

Everywhere I look I see new life. On a trip to the mountains with a friend we saw kangaroo's with joey's in their pouches, little lambs, budding tree's and the greenest grass I have ever seen. Everything so beautiful and inspiring.

It just makes me want to hook up with someone! Funny that. All year I have been trying to stay away from men, but now my biological clock is telling me, "Hey! It's spring! Find a man and settle down!"

I love spring-time love, and summer love, I always tend to find someone at that time, I suppose because we're both looking, even if we don't know it consciencely.

Ah... The signs of spring.

The need for closed relationships?

I am ever curious about open and closed relationships. I can see the need for both, but I think trust is more important than both. If you can trust that you are good enough for them to want to come to you, and to never stray or want anyone else, then good for you, but are you being naive? And what about matters of the heart, when should they come in to play?

I am curious about this as I have recently been looking at getting into the dating scene, and what is it that I want? Open, or Closed?

Open has it's appeals for me, I would be able to travel, and if I saw someone I liked, not feel the guilt, I would be able to try new things, and I'm not sure all my needs would be taken care of by just one person. The downside of this, of course, is the other half of the relationship wanting others just as I do, if I was to ever want to settle down and have something most serious, would the other be able to too, what if I was to fall pregnant? Open relationships are more a false sense of security where this is concerned, but at least I would be able to enjoy myself with this person and others. This is more the short-term for me, more the pleasures of the flesh and not so much of the mind, and of course the heart.

Closed relationships are more the way to go, but I would not be able to explore different parts of my sexuality, and when I traveled I would not be able to pick up as I pleased, but at least I would have something that (seemed) more reliable and something serious to fall back on.

The problem I see is if I get into a relationship with someone, and I only think it's monogamous, and it's really not, they are really with other people, and I am only blind enough to think it's just me and them. I would be wasting my time and throwing my heart in the deep end, when I could have just been out there enjoying myself on my travels. But as a good friend of mine once said, you can't keep your heart in glad-wrap forever. You have to throw it out there, and cross your fingers that someone will catch it, and that that person will be the right someone for you.

Ah, such is human relationships in all their glory.

Energy exchange?

It's amazing how we feed off each others energies.

One of my now good friends told me when we first met that she believed strongly in the "exchanging of energies" and she believed that having encounters with many different people in a day, and having to tell them things, to convince them that her side was the right side to be on, made her energy levels go down, or go negative rather. As negative plus positive repeated 100 times over in probably going to equal negative in the long run.

This was an interesting theory, and I took it on bored when I went about my daily activities and later when i began to take on the job that she dose. I hated it, which is rather needless to say I suppose.

After reading a chapter in a biography i recently borrowed from my local library that goes in to how he (the writer) was inspired by his professor at uni, I found myself thinking of the people who inspire me and how that, in comparison to the work I do, is positive plus positive and how well they seem to work together.

Then I thought of a boy who I have been talking to since I was sixteen (I am eighteen in less than a month), and how he and I click, and how we bring each other up, and how exciting he is to talk to sometimes, yet how comfortable I am with him. He is most defiantly a positive energy in my life.

He is not, of course the only one, the organization I work for has tones of people in it who are amazing, who lift me up and make me go "WOW", yet who I can still sit down and talk about my day with over a good meal.

I think I will have to do some more reading into this energies exchange stuff, as I feel I need some positive energies in my room, house and life.

knowledge is power

I'm starting to realize. I like education. I hate school, but I love education. I like the feeling I get when I can argue a point, when I can debate, when I can answer questions, tell other people, etc. I love the feeling when I just KNOW.

They say knowledge is power, and it is. I can't tell you how many time's when knowing something has got me out of a jam in my public speaking, or when it's given me authority over another (not that I enjoy power, but having a little bit is not bad, in fact, it's good. It's good, great in fact, to not be powerless).

I just need to work on my confidence, that's bad.

But I will get there kids.

AND IN OTHER NEWS: I am 18 next month, I quit my job, annnnnd, I have a crush on a boy, he's English, but cute English. I see him Sunday.

Wish me luck, and knowledge, of course!

Stacey - Pants

Dearest Parent

Dear parent,

I needed to tell you. I couldn’t hold it in any more. My feelings have always been so intense about everything, and even more so about this.

I remember telling you, I remember saying the words, that now I choke upon. I remember saying how I felt. How liberal I was sexually, in some peoples opinions. I remember how liberated I felt, that finally, I was free. I could stop pretending. Maybe I could be recognized for the way I truly felt and not just shoved to one side.

Not that it really mattered; I just wanted you to know. I had feelings for a girl once; they were so intense, the times I spent with her were so much better than that of what I spent with any man. Our feelings bubbled over and it felt like we became one sometimes, even for short stretches of time.

I told you, when we were sitting in the TV room. You just said “OK.” And kept watching, it broke my heart. I wanted to cry so much, but I took myself away, it was so hard to say that and to have an answer so, nonchalant, so, bullshit; it burned me on the inside.

I remember for weeks after you told me that I was straight, that I didn’t like girls, I wanted to die. I said, no, I do; reminded you of the conversation, and you said you’d forgotten.

You’d forgotten? WHAT!?

Denial.

If you thought it was hard for you to accept that, and that you didn’t understand it, imagine growing up, feeling this way all your life, and never being able to tell anyone, then, when you “come out” to people and they don’t believe you, they ridicule you and they “forget”. Imagine the hurt, when the ones you most loved and cared about just called it bullshit. Imagine being me.

But you couldn’t, you couldn’t ever know, or even understand. I remember telling my best friends about it, and they just said you were in denial, you would come around, but you haven’t, not yet, and I don’t know if you ever will.

If you can’t accept me on something that is such a part of me, something that is so deeply burned into me, so far in my nature, how are you ever going to accept anything else?

I have never been purposely judgmental to anyone, lease of all the people I cared about. Yet they are to me.

I ask one question;

Why?

-Me.

The stress... the sickness

I feel SO SICK right now, and it's not the first time this year I have been.

I am so over school. It has gotten so bad that I have begun not caring where I am going, or what I will do with my life, I just want out.

When I wake up in the morning, I have to force myself out of bed, it's so depressing, the motivation I have at this very moment.

It's all because of school, too. I am sick because of it, I am tired because of it, i can't get out of bed because of it.

and now its beginning to effect other areas of my life too.

I am too sick for the volunteer work, tomorrow. I love it, but I am afraid I will not be able to go.

life's a fuck, isn't it? You miss out on the good stuff because of this SHIT STUFF. GRR!

-Stacey

An introduction.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Stacey Louise. I am an Aussie girl who is very young (seventeen) but I have been accused of acting like a 30-something.

I have some interesting views on the world around me and I don’t tend to take people’s shit about them.

I can dish it out, and I can take it.

I am a high school girl. Although I hate it, and I have felt for a long time, that I have finished, in my head, but I still have to go, because the rest of me still needs to catch up.

I am a “till bitch”, yep, hardcore. I work at a fast food store (which is pretty yuck) its shit work, but my friends who I work with are sweet.

I am a pre-pirate. The most interesting part yet. I volunteer on weekends (mostly Sundays) and during school holidays, on a ship that is currently docked in Melbourne, my home town. If you want to know what it’s doing there, or what it dose, go to seashepherd.org.

I am pansexual, and I cop a lot of shit about it. Basically, a pansexual is someone who likes someone for who they are, not what they are (gender wise).

I am an activist, and my belief’s are, in some peoples opinions, “radical.” I believe that every being has a right to life. I believe that animals, including humans, are pretty sorely looked after, and I fight to bring awareness to these issues. I also fight for the rights.

I love my family, I love my friends, I love my self-expression, and I love how I can have all of this, but I also value how easily it can be taken away, and how I have to enjoy it while I have it.

I am unlike a lot of people, and I change every day, just like how I learn every day, I am a living, breathing human, and I am not the same as I was yesterday, last night or even last week.

There is a lot in the world I don’t know, but there is also a lot in the world that I do, so please, give me a chance, and I will reward you by giving you the same.

Thanks.