A draft...

Hugh.

I hope you had a really amazing birthday yesterday and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to catch you at the pub. My lift (Glen) canceled, so I couldn’t get there and back.

I need to know some things from you, as we don’t see each other regularly, this is the best way that I can think of to go about things.

I was under the impression that we were friends. I’m not too sure about how much you remember from the last night I saw you but I did say I wanted to be friends and you said the same back to me.

At this point, all I seem to be getting from you is one-line responses to stuff on myspace, ignored phone calls, etc.

I’m sending this because I want you to let me know what you want (or don’t want) from me. I’m a big girl and I can handle rejection. If you don’t want to ever see me again, I’d rather you just came out and said it over hoping that I’ll go away on my own.

If you do want to hang out or be friends, I’m more than happy at that and I apologize if you have just been busy or whatever and have not been able to keep in contact. I hope we do have more chance to talk (and drink, and hang out) after you read this.

Please write me back and let me know where things are at.

Thank you,

Stacey

Bad poetry to help one heal.

I'll throw my whole self in, heart and all
So you can get this fleating pleasure you won't even remember.

I'll give up all that I want, all that I need
Just so you can taste the sweetness of all the things you like.

I'll change and mold myself, I'll cover the cracks in the plaster
So you can have your perfect partner

I'll give up my life,
Just so you can have the one you want.

I'll grow up, realize how wrong all of this is
Then you'll be left old and alone because you never wanted me happy.

Note to you...

You don't understand why I'm so hurt.
I don't understand how you could hurt me this much.

No-one could rip me up this good right now.
So I thought. My control's a fallacy .

Burn me, tear me, bite me, bruise me, I've had it all before.
I've never had someone like you, maybe that's why things are so fucked.

Breathe you in, relax, my insides all gooey.
If only for a moment, please, give me one more moment.

The radio's playing some other cheesy song
I roll my eyes. "Just jealous 'cos we're young and in love".

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
- George Bernard Shaw

You're kidding me. I can't believe that people are so crazy. I can't believe that I was about to sink to someone else's level in order to get something sub-standard that would have done me more harm than good.

Why do you think I'm going to go for that? Because you would? I'm usually calm, collected and reasonable but you're on my last nerve. Get real.

Playing games was for when we were kids. I don't play games anymore. I'm to the point and I would think that you, with all your bullshit about strength and respect would get that. Or maybe you're not as strong as you make out to be. Maybe you really don't respect other people.

I'm wondering over the fall out if you were to ever figure out this was about you. Or if you were to even suspect it.

I don't want to be mad at you, I really do care about you, but please, neither of us can be acting this childishly, neither of us can afford to waste our lives. Cut out all the bullshit and take my hand, I'll make you fly.

I miss...

So I'm sitting up in my room, and can't sleep... listening to old songs because I can't find the new ones; I start to remember things from a time that seemed so long ago, but was in this year.

I remem
bered how I'd missed things.
How I'd misse
d feeling more free, how I'd missed falling, flying and the buzz that lasts for days.
How I'd misse
d sneaking back into the house at some bizarre hour only to get up an hour later for tafe, but still feeling refreshed.
I misse
d the way he made me feel good when he was so bad for me.
I miss speed
ing down the highway, singing some song with lyrics like, "I'm a brat, and I know everything, AND I TALK BACK!", Only to have him laugh, and make a face like his father, then for me to say something like, "It's true, and you love it!" then have him laugh harder.
I miss shoot
ing a text his way when I couldn't sleep only to find he couldn't either.
I miss looki
ng at him, and him having that wide smile, those cheeky eyes, right before he said "let's do it!"

I miss the way things were
but I don't miss him.


And what song made these thoughts pop into my head?

I hold an image of the ashtray girl
Of cigarette burns on my chest
I wrote a poem that described her world
And put our friendship to the test
And late at night
Whilst on all fours
She used to watch me kiss the floor
What's wrong with this picture?
What's wrong with this picture?

Farewell the ashtray girl
Forbidden snowflake
Beware this troubled world
Watch out for earthquakes
Goodbye to open sores
To broken semaphore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

Sometimes it's fated
(We) Disintegrated it
For fear of growing old
Sometimes it's fated
(We) Assassinated it
For fear of growing old

Farewell the ashtray girl
Angelic fruitcake
Beware this troubled world
Control your intake
Goodbye to open sores
Goodbye and furthermore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

....

Hang on
Though we try
It's gone
Hang on
Though we try
It's gone


Goodn
ight.
x.x.x

Pointless and painful; like it's writer.

"wh I feel amaziini zinc vice thing I make pence with snout kids to self I know your head bad plate buddy you go bye"

The outbox on my phone makes oh-so-much sense!

It's sort of like your head on a good day, or like my own when I try to think about what one wants out of life and what one needs from their own relationships and time on this planet.

What do I want out of my time on this planet? I thought I knew but now I don't. Or maybe I never knew, maybe I was just kidding myself.

All of my good writing of late has been making me think about how out-of-control things have gotten, and then I think, did I ever really have control? Or was the control I had all in my head?

Will I just end up working to pay the rent and wasteing my days inside relationships and friendships that just make so little sense to everyone, but at the time make so much sense to me?

It's a shame the leader I used to follow just went to bed, or I could ask him, what the hell is going on tonight, what the hell is going on with me.

I want to fade away because it makes so much sense, because it's just easyer. What's the point of all of this? What's the point of being here and what's the point of me?

One day on the train headed home from TAFE I over-hear two idiot bogans, going on about heroin and other drugs, but what they're saying, if you read between the lines, makes so much sense.

One turned to the other and said something along the lines of; "This world is so fucked up, they put you on this planet, a kid not knowing what to do with themselves, and then you try so hard to find your way, but you just get lost, again and again, you want so badly to lose yourself in the sex, the drugs and the stupid things in life, and it hurts, because before you know it you're in your thirties and alone, nothing to show for yourself." (I may have changed, cut/added more to this, I don't know).

I don't think I need to point out that I don't want to be like these people, I want so badly to find my way, and at one point, early in this year when TAFE was just starting, and when I had a good boyfriend (in my eyes, but it appears in no-one elses), and I had everything going well, before I let it all get ontop of me and smother me, that things were working, or so they appeared.

This year has been really interesting in that I've met some really interesting people, and got to know some other people who I relate to really well, but who's lives are not that that I want to be living.

A good friend of mine, who I really don't need to name here, got into stripping and prostitution when she was my age (she's a year older than me, roughly - her birthdays Wednesday coming and she's 20), and for her, it all makes sense, it all feels good and it's bring in the cash that she can now spend on her polyamerous boyfriend.

Poly has been something that's got me so interested over the years, but I'm still not sure if I fit into that scene, even though a hell of a lot of the relationships - or couplings - I find myself in are Poly, which is great, for now.

But there is no direction, it's all exploration and I still don't know how happy I am with that.

This blog, in itself, the way it's written resembles the way things are for me right now, no great purpose and no direction, and I know that if it gets any comments at all, they will be people telling me that they, too, don't have direction or that I will find it soon. And really, do I want to find it? Will I be happy then?

Happiness comes from within, they say, but inside me there does not seem to be anything happy, or purposeful. It all seems to be without a purpose and just running, on it's own, because it has to, because there's no other way.

"I'm on auto-pilot, I can't feel anything anymore, it's numb and dark and cold, like a deep pit. I dig to get out but get further in, I dig me deeper... and I don't like it, not one bit." -me, at 15

If I took this other way, and hurt the people who truely cared about me, would they understand that I was long suffering, that things just seemed so hopeless and pointless to me that I just had to take this short road, and not my long one?

Don't get me wrong, this is not ment to make you worry about me and call me every hour to see I have not done something dumb, or something rash, but it's ment to give you some insite - and me some sense of control over things.

"Life feels like a pipe, and I am the liquid, flowing quickly, not finding anything to hold on to or that's worth holding onto, everything is as pointless and superficial as are some of these 'happy' feelings, fleeting and skin deep. I am here for the taken - who knew it would be so unwanted?"

Ow, my brain is fucked.

Feel better without feeling worse?

I suffer from depression.

It's something that for many years I have dodged, but I don't even remember the last time I felt 100 per cent.

Lately I've felt so down and out that I don't even get out of bed most days. I have a cycle of doona days and don't even want to get up to shower or brush my teeth.

It does not help that I keep getting sick, (colds, the flu, tonsillitis, laryngitis - this winter alone). I know I'm more at risk for these things because of my state of mental health - if you want an excuse not to do things, you'll find it, and it'll find you. - but it's still a struggle that does not compliment the state I'm in.

There are so many cycles here. That of me making myself worse to feel better. I have self-destructive written all over me and continue to find ways to hurt myself. None of these are going to improve my situation.

I suppose "the straw that broke the camels back" today was finding out that I've failed all my classes bar one. It hurt, but I knew it would happen. I needed that kick up the ass, and I got it. This week, after today, of course, as I've also been suffering insomnia, and after I write this I will be heading to bed, I will be doing a terms worth of work, scratch that, a semesters. It'll be hard, but I can do it. I'll just keep telling myself that.

I've hit a bottom, of sorts, but I know there's a whole level beneath this and I've been hiding from it too long. I need to talk to someone, a professional. I need to talk about my pain to get better. I need to hit a real bad patch, "get fucked up" to get sober, or so to speak.

I needed to write this down, for me, so I can feel a little better. *exhails*

Goodnight.
xxx

Little black book

I feel like a gentleman back in the days that women didn't put out before they were married; I found a guy who I really like, but I can't "lay" him just yet, and I respect him too much to just call him for sex, I have not had sex for 3 months now, and that's the longest I've ever gone without. So I'm getting a little frisky and my little text messaging fingers are getting "the itch" to send a message to someone whom I don't mind just "using".

I know this is bad, and while trying not to justify it, I do think it's better to give into a craving than to just ignore it and let it get worse. I'm not leading these men on and they know exactly what it is. I may be seeing Hugh this weekend, but that's not for sure, and even if it was, I don't expect anything.

So the first guy I send a message to, the boy I lost my virginity to, is busy with work and can't tonight.

The second is out of credit (I assume, or else he'd be right onto me); He never responded, and I really didn't expect it, it was just too easy to shoot one his way to see what happened. He and I dated a long while ago, and while it was ancient history we did end up in bed together later on, and from memory, it was good.

The third, a boy I've only met twice but have been wanting so very badly since we first met, does not have a car - I just found out - it almost killed me. He did want to take me home at some point though, I couldn't that night. Nothing has ever really happened with him as I was a little uncomfortable about having sex in the park like he wanted to, in front of the drunks and all.

So I am immensely sexually frustrated and in need of someone else's skin on mine.

Part of me is happy though, if Hugh and I do get together in the end, at least I can say I didn't have sex with anyone when we were "getting together" as it were.

Love, Peace &Respect
Stacey

So I've been thinking alot about Hugh, a good friend of mine whom I always seem to be hooking up with. I (think) we both really like each other. He acts like a boyfriend would, and I like that. Although I'm not too sure what to do about things at this point as it's all very complicated.

But anyways, he is the first man I have ever met who I wouldn't mind going monogamous with, and for me, this is a huge deal. I've never done real monogomy and I've never been interested in it, that is until the night I met Hugh.

I've been listening to music a fair bit lately, and this one song really grabs me... Sara Bareilles - Gravity Here's the lyrics... (Yes, a lazy girls way to blog! )

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

"Fuck this for a joke!"

I’m sick of taking it one day at a time!

I can’t work when I feel like this, I can’t hardly find the strength to face the day, I just want to roll over and go back to sleep, but I can never sleep either.

So sick of the way I’m living and it feels like I can’t change a thing. I’m alone, isolated from everyone and everything by either my will or someone else’s.

I know I shouldn’t complain, other people have it harder, but I feel like I’m in a deep, dark hole and there is no way out, every attempt just ends with me digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Every time I get to this stage I always suffer in silence, away from everyone else, until I am “better” and able to face things again, but everything is on top of me right now and I know my own pattern, I know that I must break it and I must step up and ask for help.

I feel like shrinking away from my problems would be easy, although it is the preferred option right now, its “easy” to pretend they don’t exist, that they never did, that I’m 100 per cent okay.

But is it really worth it? Is anything really worth it? Or should I just give up now and sink further into my discontent. What’s easy, it’s all too hard.

Flowing down our pipe...

I'm lonely and finding something to invest my heart in.

I've been distracted for far too long and at 2.41AM, the penny is beginning to drop. I feel like my heart could burst in my chest and I know that in a couple years time I will not agree with a word of what I'm saying but I know that right now, tomorrow is everything.

Emotional investment was for losers not too long ago, while I was ignoring everything about me, or maybe everything about the future me?

Time flows like liquid down a pipe, too fast for you to hold onto the past but not fast enough for you to let go.

and I'm flowing outside of the pipe occasionally, in those moments that seem to last forever.

tonights an ending for many, and a beginning for others.

I got an ex girlfriend who's stoned of her ass, wanting to see me and others, wanting us to meet her new best thing who she thinks will last forever, but will it? Or is it like me, explaining to a strange man at Giselle's party once that nothing, but nothing lasts forever. You have to die some day, always act like that day is tomorrow and you will be forever happy and great full for the good times.

Many relationships I have seen come and go throughout the years and every time one ends, it seems to give light to new things for both parties. Is monogamy really a good idea or is it a time waster? Even if you are in a relationship that will last for years to come, it is like your safety blanket, you will find someone else who you connect with better than the former, and what happens to that person when it ends? You are forever growing and changing, like water to ice, to snow, to gas, but no matter what, you're still flowing down that pipe and you can't stop that, not for a moment.

The pipe ends at the end but no-one knows when the end will end.

I write raw, and mostly from my heart, which until one faithful drunken night, was rather happy with the way things were, but will I ever be happy like that again? Was I really happy? Or was I simply fooling myself because underneath it all I knew I needed a 20-something male to cuddle upto in the dark, to "complete me", for now?

I remember laying under the stars one night, when I was rather gone, which seems to be when all my appifanies happen, and I thought to myself, what am I doing? Where am I going? Where are we all gong?

Am I happy with flowing with things? Do I really have a choice any more?

I'm at a point in my life where I'm approaching many, very terrifying crossroads and I am over-analyzing.

I want out, but can I really handle the big, bad world?

It's like my driving, I can handle it until I realize what I'm doing and what I'm risking and then I freeze, my heart though, scares me more than any bodily harm.

I'm growing up, realizing how liquid things are and am unsure if I want them to be this way, do I want ice or snow, do I want hail or gas? If I scream "NO, STOP, SLOW DOWN!" will it all end? Will it end how I want it to?

Flowing down my pipe, only sure of where I will end up and unsure of what the obsticals are, a month ago I would have been fine, even a week ago. There's too many possibilities and I'm just frightened, I hope that's all it is.

How do I really want to flow? Do I want to flow at all?

There's no such thing as forever, only now. This sparkling moment that shall melt in my hand any instant.

... there it goes.

Fancy feelings?

Maybe if I ignore it, It’ll go away?

My heart feels every blow, every time I let it get bruised, it seems to toughen up, and get ready for the next round.

But now it seems like it’s not going to heal, I’ve gone too long without serving it’s needs, gone too deeply into serving my own and letting myself feel good. Ignoring my feelings too long, and I’m at risk of doing it again.

Lacking the meaning, like it should, I let myself float away on pure ecstasy, but then in the morning I wake up and release just how hollow I feel on the inside. It does not matter what I know about you or how well we know each others bodies, I know I could never really let you in, I’m much to fragile for that.

It’s like letting a tiger loose in your loungeroom while baby sitting, you’ll just take, tear and feed on my insecurities.

But if I never let you in, who am I going to let in?

Is this really as stupid as it sounds?

The truth of the matter.

I’m vulnerable, fragile and stupid.

Let’s just give up now as it’s never going to fix itself, I’m broken and it’s all my own fault.

I trust too easy, love to freely and fall much too hard too quickly and that’s just for a start. I also fall for people like you, you’re like a disease and you’re spreading right through me. I feel you in my toes, my tongue, my fingers and my spine. I feel you under my skin and I know you just won’t get out.

New relationship energy drives people wild with excitement but I’ve had enough excitement for this year. Enough pain and hurt. It’s only half way through and I’ve had enough of everything for the next twenty years. I may just crawl back inside my coffin now.

It all sounds like an exaggeration, and it really is but I want to feel that first kiss again, the first time you touched me, the first time you said you cared and it warmed my heart. Where did that go? Why am I now like this? Isn’t it funny how the tables turn.

Four months ago I was the one telling you not to attach, not to get too deep, because you wouldn’t be able to get out again. You attached to me though, and that was smart, that was how it should go. Not what I’m doing. I’m attaching to an idea, a person that does not exist.

Man I’m fucked up.

Kid’s these days will never get it, and neither will adults, we only know what goes on inside our own mind, and not what happens in the minds of others. We only understand our own feelings, and that’s if we’re lucky. So if I only get me, and even then I only *just* get me, why do I want you too?

I don’t want to share, I don’t want to pretend, I just want to feel myself and be myself and just be happy. It’s simple, effective and I need it more than I need you.

Is this the beauty of youth? Will I remember this all happily one day? Maybe I will… Let’s wait and see.

Deep breaths, children.

A few days later on the 5th of June...

I wonder to myself what's wrong with you, as I stare across in the car.

what's going through your mind, what's making you tick? Are you thinking what I'm thinking (B 1?) Are you feeling what i do? Or are you as senseless as you make people believe you are?

I know you've had your issues, as has everyone, but yours seem to run deeper than you let on, you're all warm, but I know that's not really how you feel. I can read you better than you'll know.

You're like an empty tank of petrol, just running on what you can get. Whatever makes you have that high that we used to get together. But now you use drugs, loose women and booze. It's just not the same, and we both know it.

I want to hurt you, just so I know you're real, I wonder how someone could function like you do.

How can you do this to yourself? Is your quest for something more driving you that mad?

I don't know anymore. but i feel I must keep writing as it drains the hurt, swelled heart and makes it easier to breathe.

Le bizzare dark night.

I wrote it a few days ago, on the 3rd of June...

Lying in the dark with the smell of fresh sheets hitting our nostrils, I could feel her presence as she lay next to me, in the cold room, the chill running down both our spines. I can't feel anything negative, no pain, no poor feeling, no numb, the world is just aglow.

The drugs we took and the bizarre events of the day and night just passed seemed to make us feel like we were the only ones left on earth. We were floating and the waves were rising. Comfort and peace seemed to be raining on us softly.

I wanted so much to reach out and touch her, to feel the Goosebumps on her icy skin yet know there was something warm beating within her.

One of the most beautiful people I'd ever met was lying next to me, breathing me in silently.

I reach out and touch her hand, just to feel the texture of her knuckles and the smoothness of the back of her palm, soft and gentle, her nature, someone's life can be seen vividly in their hands I've always thought. It's funny how the difference between sexes is so obvious when you look at the hands, the lifestyle choices too.

I ran my smallest finger in circles around the back of her palm then she opened it up for me to touch the inside of, she giggles and twitches slightly as I know it tickles her.

I still can't believe how clearly I am seeing the smaller details right now inside my usually clouded "big picture" mind.

We make eye contact and just as the world seems to make sense and I feel everything all at once, the world seems to fade into black and I can no longer feel her hands, her warmth, her presence, nothing. I can't even see two inches in front of me. There is nothing there. I feel nothing.

The world has disintegrated and I'm left in not knowing. The pain all comes back in a flood and all the negative feelings as were there before. It's simple for us to invent our own world, but how long can we make it last?

Ah, what a long time...

So it's been a long time and much has been happening.

I have started my Environmental course. I'm really happy about that!

I've met lots of new people and tried many, MANY new things.

I've also done much growing and changing, yet I'm obveously the same person. I think my growth has been in a positive direction.

I'm going to post something else here soon, as I don't want this post to be lonely, of course! :)

Lonely won't leave me alone

It feels like it's eating me up from the inside.

The depression is bad but the anxiety so much worse.

It's hard feeling nothing but a deep, dark disgusting pit.

Feeling like you ARE a pit, a useless being that is just a void

Then trying to hide it.

It's harder still to be a freak, to suffer from erratic attacks.

Why can't living just be easy, like it is for you?

At least the lonely doesn't eat you up.

As your external problems become internal and you feel the burn.

Stop the act, or we will all have to cut you up.

Drama fucking queen!

&It was just one of those times...

Enlarged heart and broken fist.

I felt like everything was going to smash into one billion pieces.

Then I found out I'd taken the wrong tram and by the time I actually got there, I found things worse than I'd been told.

There are moments in everyone's life that their hearts break in two, and most people don't talk about them.

I talk about mine. Not openly, but I do talk.

And then people say I don't, I won't, I shan't. I shrug it off as I have my own reasons.

What if he'd died that day? What if I fucked up that night at work and things went worse? What if we'd never arrived and that guy who OD'd on the side of the road just, passed? What if that train I was on that crashed into the back of that truck was that little bit faster, and we'd hit the truck that bit harder, and we derailed, and I died? At 15!? That would be so fucked.

I'm here for a reason, and I don't know what that is yet, but I do intend to wait it all out until it's done, and until I know.

My youthful romance could kill me sometimes, and moments like the for mentioned, could have done even more damage.