Feel better without feeling worse?

I suffer from depression.

It's something that for many years I have dodged, but I don't even remember the last time I felt 100 per cent.

Lately I've felt so down and out that I don't even get out of bed most days. I have a cycle of doona days and don't even want to get up to shower or brush my teeth.

It does not help that I keep getting sick, (colds, the flu, tonsillitis, laryngitis - this winter alone). I know I'm more at risk for these things because of my state of mental health - if you want an excuse not to do things, you'll find it, and it'll find you. - but it's still a struggle that does not compliment the state I'm in.

There are so many cycles here. That of me making myself worse to feel better. I have self-destructive written all over me and continue to find ways to hurt myself. None of these are going to improve my situation.

I suppose "the straw that broke the camels back" today was finding out that I've failed all my classes bar one. It hurt, but I knew it would happen. I needed that kick up the ass, and I got it. This week, after today, of course, as I've also been suffering insomnia, and after I write this I will be heading to bed, I will be doing a terms worth of work, scratch that, a semesters. It'll be hard, but I can do it. I'll just keep telling myself that.

I've hit a bottom, of sorts, but I know there's a whole level beneath this and I've been hiding from it too long. I need to talk to someone, a professional. I need to talk about my pain to get better. I need to hit a real bad patch, "get fucked up" to get sober, or so to speak.

I needed to write this down, for me, so I can feel a little better. *exhails*

Goodnight.
xxx