A draft...

Hugh.

I hope you had a really amazing birthday yesterday and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to catch you at the pub. My lift (Glen) canceled, so I couldn’t get there and back.

I need to know some things from you, as we don’t see each other regularly, this is the best way that I can think of to go about things.

I was under the impression that we were friends. I’m not too sure about how much you remember from the last night I saw you but I did say I wanted to be friends and you said the same back to me.

At this point, all I seem to be getting from you is one-line responses to stuff on myspace, ignored phone calls, etc.

I’m sending this because I want you to let me know what you want (or don’t want) from me. I’m a big girl and I can handle rejection. If you don’t want to ever see me again, I’d rather you just came out and said it over hoping that I’ll go away on my own.

If you do want to hang out or be friends, I’m more than happy at that and I apologize if you have just been busy or whatever and have not been able to keep in contact. I hope we do have more chance to talk (and drink, and hang out) after you read this.

Please write me back and let me know where things are at.

Thank you,

Stacey

Bad poetry to help one heal.

I'll throw my whole self in, heart and all
So you can get this fleating pleasure you won't even remember.

I'll give up all that I want, all that I need
Just so you can taste the sweetness of all the things you like.

I'll change and mold myself, I'll cover the cracks in the plaster
So you can have your perfect partner

I'll give up my life,
Just so you can have the one you want.

I'll grow up, realize how wrong all of this is
Then you'll be left old and alone because you never wanted me happy.

Note to you...

You don't understand why I'm so hurt.
I don't understand how you could hurt me this much.

No-one could rip me up this good right now.
So I thought. My control's a fallacy .

Burn me, tear me, bite me, bruise me, I've had it all before.
I've never had someone like you, maybe that's why things are so fucked.

Breathe you in, relax, my insides all gooey.
If only for a moment, please, give me one more moment.

The radio's playing some other cheesy song
I roll my eyes. "Just jealous 'cos we're young and in love".

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
- George Bernard Shaw

You're kidding me. I can't believe that people are so crazy. I can't believe that I was about to sink to someone else's level in order to get something sub-standard that would have done me more harm than good.

Why do you think I'm going to go for that? Because you would? I'm usually calm, collected and reasonable but you're on my last nerve. Get real.

Playing games was for when we were kids. I don't play games anymore. I'm to the point and I would think that you, with all your bullshit about strength and respect would get that. Or maybe you're not as strong as you make out to be. Maybe you really don't respect other people.

I'm wondering over the fall out if you were to ever figure out this was about you. Or if you were to even suspect it.

I don't want to be mad at you, I really do care about you, but please, neither of us can be acting this childishly, neither of us can afford to waste our lives. Cut out all the bullshit and take my hand, I'll make you fly.

I miss...

So I'm sitting up in my room, and can't sleep... listening to old songs because I can't find the new ones; I start to remember things from a time that seemed so long ago, but was in this year.

I remem
bered how I'd missed things.
How I'd misse
d feeling more free, how I'd missed falling, flying and the buzz that lasts for days.
How I'd misse
d sneaking back into the house at some bizarre hour only to get up an hour later for tafe, but still feeling refreshed.
I misse
d the way he made me feel good when he was so bad for me.
I miss speed
ing down the highway, singing some song with lyrics like, "I'm a brat, and I know everything, AND I TALK BACK!", Only to have him laugh, and make a face like his father, then for me to say something like, "It's true, and you love it!" then have him laugh harder.
I miss shoot
ing a text his way when I couldn't sleep only to find he couldn't either.
I miss looki
ng at him, and him having that wide smile, those cheeky eyes, right before he said "let's do it!"

I miss the way things were
but I don't miss him.


And what song made these thoughts pop into my head?

I hold an image of the ashtray girl
Of cigarette burns on my chest
I wrote a poem that described her world
And put our friendship to the test
And late at night
Whilst on all fours
She used to watch me kiss the floor
What's wrong with this picture?
What's wrong with this picture?

Farewell the ashtray girl
Forbidden snowflake
Beware this troubled world
Watch out for earthquakes
Goodbye to open sores
To broken semaphore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

Sometimes it's fated
(We) Disintegrated it
For fear of growing old
Sometimes it's fated
(We) Assassinated it
For fear of growing old

Farewell the ashtray girl
Angelic fruitcake
Beware this troubled world
Control your intake
Goodbye to open sores
Goodbye and furthermore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

....

Hang on
Though we try
It's gone
Hang on
Though we try
It's gone


Goodn
ight.
x.x.x

Pointless and painful; like it's writer.

"wh I feel amaziini zinc vice thing I make pence with snout kids to self I know your head bad plate buddy you go bye"

The outbox on my phone makes oh-so-much sense!

It's sort of like your head on a good day, or like my own when I try to think about what one wants out of life and what one needs from their own relationships and time on this planet.

What do I want out of my time on this planet? I thought I knew but now I don't. Or maybe I never knew, maybe I was just kidding myself.

All of my good writing of late has been making me think about how out-of-control things have gotten, and then I think, did I ever really have control? Or was the control I had all in my head?

Will I just end up working to pay the rent and wasteing my days inside relationships and friendships that just make so little sense to everyone, but at the time make so much sense to me?

It's a shame the leader I used to follow just went to bed, or I could ask him, what the hell is going on tonight, what the hell is going on with me.

I want to fade away because it makes so much sense, because it's just easyer. What's the point of all of this? What's the point of being here and what's the point of me?

One day on the train headed home from TAFE I over-hear two idiot bogans, going on about heroin and other drugs, but what they're saying, if you read between the lines, makes so much sense.

One turned to the other and said something along the lines of; "This world is so fucked up, they put you on this planet, a kid not knowing what to do with themselves, and then you try so hard to find your way, but you just get lost, again and again, you want so badly to lose yourself in the sex, the drugs and the stupid things in life, and it hurts, because before you know it you're in your thirties and alone, nothing to show for yourself." (I may have changed, cut/added more to this, I don't know).

I don't think I need to point out that I don't want to be like these people, I want so badly to find my way, and at one point, early in this year when TAFE was just starting, and when I had a good boyfriend (in my eyes, but it appears in no-one elses), and I had everything going well, before I let it all get ontop of me and smother me, that things were working, or so they appeared.

This year has been really interesting in that I've met some really interesting people, and got to know some other people who I relate to really well, but who's lives are not that that I want to be living.

A good friend of mine, who I really don't need to name here, got into stripping and prostitution when she was my age (she's a year older than me, roughly - her birthdays Wednesday coming and she's 20), and for her, it all makes sense, it all feels good and it's bring in the cash that she can now spend on her polyamerous boyfriend.

Poly has been something that's got me so interested over the years, but I'm still not sure if I fit into that scene, even though a hell of a lot of the relationships - or couplings - I find myself in are Poly, which is great, for now.

But there is no direction, it's all exploration and I still don't know how happy I am with that.

This blog, in itself, the way it's written resembles the way things are for me right now, no great purpose and no direction, and I know that if it gets any comments at all, they will be people telling me that they, too, don't have direction or that I will find it soon. And really, do I want to find it? Will I be happy then?

Happiness comes from within, they say, but inside me there does not seem to be anything happy, or purposeful. It all seems to be without a purpose and just running, on it's own, because it has to, because there's no other way.

"I'm on auto-pilot, I can't feel anything anymore, it's numb and dark and cold, like a deep pit. I dig to get out but get further in, I dig me deeper... and I don't like it, not one bit." -me, at 15

If I took this other way, and hurt the people who truely cared about me, would they understand that I was long suffering, that things just seemed so hopeless and pointless to me that I just had to take this short road, and not my long one?

Don't get me wrong, this is not ment to make you worry about me and call me every hour to see I have not done something dumb, or something rash, but it's ment to give you some insite - and me some sense of control over things.

"Life feels like a pipe, and I am the liquid, flowing quickly, not finding anything to hold on to or that's worth holding onto, everything is as pointless and superficial as are some of these 'happy' feelings, fleeting and skin deep. I am here for the taken - who knew it would be so unwanted?"

Ow, my brain is fucked.