Pointless and painful; like it's writer.

"wh I feel amaziini zinc vice thing I make pence with snout kids to self I know your head bad plate buddy you go bye"

The outbox on my phone makes oh-so-much sense!

It's sort of like your head on a good day, or like my own when I try to think about what one wants out of life and what one needs from their own relationships and time on this planet.

What do I want out of my time on this planet? I thought I knew but now I don't. Or maybe I never knew, maybe I was just kidding myself.

All of my good writing of late has been making me think about how out-of-control things have gotten, and then I think, did I ever really have control? Or was the control I had all in my head?

Will I just end up working to pay the rent and wasteing my days inside relationships and friendships that just make so little sense to everyone, but at the time make so much sense to me?

It's a shame the leader I used to follow just went to bed, or I could ask him, what the hell is going on tonight, what the hell is going on with me.

I want to fade away because it makes so much sense, because it's just easyer. What's the point of all of this? What's the point of being here and what's the point of me?

One day on the train headed home from TAFE I over-hear two idiot bogans, going on about heroin and other drugs, but what they're saying, if you read between the lines, makes so much sense.

One turned to the other and said something along the lines of; "This world is so fucked up, they put you on this planet, a kid not knowing what to do with themselves, and then you try so hard to find your way, but you just get lost, again and again, you want so badly to lose yourself in the sex, the drugs and the stupid things in life, and it hurts, because before you know it you're in your thirties and alone, nothing to show for yourself." (I may have changed, cut/added more to this, I don't know).

I don't think I need to point out that I don't want to be like these people, I want so badly to find my way, and at one point, early in this year when TAFE was just starting, and when I had a good boyfriend (in my eyes, but it appears in no-one elses), and I had everything going well, before I let it all get ontop of me and smother me, that things were working, or so they appeared.

This year has been really interesting in that I've met some really interesting people, and got to know some other people who I relate to really well, but who's lives are not that that I want to be living.

A good friend of mine, who I really don't need to name here, got into stripping and prostitution when she was my age (she's a year older than me, roughly - her birthdays Wednesday coming and she's 20), and for her, it all makes sense, it all feels good and it's bring in the cash that she can now spend on her polyamerous boyfriend.

Poly has been something that's got me so interested over the years, but I'm still not sure if I fit into that scene, even though a hell of a lot of the relationships - or couplings - I find myself in are Poly, which is great, for now.

But there is no direction, it's all exploration and I still don't know how happy I am with that.

This blog, in itself, the way it's written resembles the way things are for me right now, no great purpose and no direction, and I know that if it gets any comments at all, they will be people telling me that they, too, don't have direction or that I will find it soon. And really, do I want to find it? Will I be happy then?

Happiness comes from within, they say, but inside me there does not seem to be anything happy, or purposeful. It all seems to be without a purpose and just running, on it's own, because it has to, because there's no other way.

"I'm on auto-pilot, I can't feel anything anymore, it's numb and dark and cold, like a deep pit. I dig to get out but get further in, I dig me deeper... and I don't like it, not one bit." -me, at 15

If I took this other way, and hurt the people who truely cared about me, would they understand that I was long suffering, that things just seemed so hopeless and pointless to me that I just had to take this short road, and not my long one?

Don't get me wrong, this is not ment to make you worry about me and call me every hour to see I have not done something dumb, or something rash, but it's ment to give you some insite - and me some sense of control over things.

"Life feels like a pipe, and I am the liquid, flowing quickly, not finding anything to hold on to or that's worth holding onto, everything is as pointless and superficial as are some of these 'happy' feelings, fleeting and skin deep. I am here for the taken - who knew it would be so unwanted?"

Ow, my brain is fucked.