The truth of the matter.

I’m vulnerable, fragile and stupid.

Let’s just give up now as it’s never going to fix itself, I’m broken and it’s all my own fault.

I trust too easy, love to freely and fall much too hard too quickly and that’s just for a start. I also fall for people like you, you’re like a disease and you’re spreading right through me. I feel you in my toes, my tongue, my fingers and my spine. I feel you under my skin and I know you just won’t get out.

New relationship energy drives people wild with excitement but I’ve had enough excitement for this year. Enough pain and hurt. It’s only half way through and I’ve had enough of everything for the next twenty years. I may just crawl back inside my coffin now.

It all sounds like an exaggeration, and it really is but I want to feel that first kiss again, the first time you touched me, the first time you said you cared and it warmed my heart. Where did that go? Why am I now like this? Isn’t it funny how the tables turn.

Four months ago I was the one telling you not to attach, not to get too deep, because you wouldn’t be able to get out again. You attached to me though, and that was smart, that was how it should go. Not what I’m doing. I’m attaching to an idea, a person that does not exist.

Man I’m fucked up.

Kid’s these days will never get it, and neither will adults, we only know what goes on inside our own mind, and not what happens in the minds of others. We only understand our own feelings, and that’s if we’re lucky. So if I only get me, and even then I only *just* get me, why do I want you too?

I don’t want to share, I don’t want to pretend, I just want to feel myself and be myself and just be happy. It’s simple, effective and I need it more than I need you.

Is this the beauty of youth? Will I remember this all happily one day? Maybe I will… Let’s wait and see.

Deep breaths, children.

A few days later on the 5th of June...

I wonder to myself what's wrong with you, as I stare across in the car.

what's going through your mind, what's making you tick? Are you thinking what I'm thinking (B 1?) Are you feeling what i do? Or are you as senseless as you make people believe you are?

I know you've had your issues, as has everyone, but yours seem to run deeper than you let on, you're all warm, but I know that's not really how you feel. I can read you better than you'll know.

You're like an empty tank of petrol, just running on what you can get. Whatever makes you have that high that we used to get together. But now you use drugs, loose women and booze. It's just not the same, and we both know it.

I want to hurt you, just so I know you're real, I wonder how someone could function like you do.

How can you do this to yourself? Is your quest for something more driving you that mad?

I don't know anymore. but i feel I must keep writing as it drains the hurt, swelled heart and makes it easier to breathe.

Le bizzare dark night.

I wrote it a few days ago, on the 3rd of June...

Lying in the dark with the smell of fresh sheets hitting our nostrils, I could feel her presence as she lay next to me, in the cold room, the chill running down both our spines. I can't feel anything negative, no pain, no poor feeling, no numb, the world is just aglow.

The drugs we took and the bizarre events of the day and night just passed seemed to make us feel like we were the only ones left on earth. We were floating and the waves were rising. Comfort and peace seemed to be raining on us softly.

I wanted so much to reach out and touch her, to feel the Goosebumps on her icy skin yet know there was something warm beating within her.

One of the most beautiful people I'd ever met was lying next to me, breathing me in silently.

I reach out and touch her hand, just to feel the texture of her knuckles and the smoothness of the back of her palm, soft and gentle, her nature, someone's life can be seen vividly in their hands I've always thought. It's funny how the difference between sexes is so obvious when you look at the hands, the lifestyle choices too.

I ran my smallest finger in circles around the back of her palm then she opened it up for me to touch the inside of, she giggles and twitches slightly as I know it tickles her.

I still can't believe how clearly I am seeing the smaller details right now inside my usually clouded "big picture" mind.

We make eye contact and just as the world seems to make sense and I feel everything all at once, the world seems to fade into black and I can no longer feel her hands, her warmth, her presence, nothing. I can't even see two inches in front of me. There is nothing there. I feel nothing.

The world has disintegrated and I'm left in not knowing. The pain all comes back in a flood and all the negative feelings as were there before. It's simple for us to invent our own world, but how long can we make it last?

Ah, what a long time...

So it's been a long time and much has been happening.

I have started my Environmental course. I'm really happy about that!

I've met lots of new people and tried many, MANY new things.

I've also done much growing and changing, yet I'm obveously the same person. I think my growth has been in a positive direction.

I'm going to post something else here soon, as I don't want this post to be lonely, of course! :)