Little black book

I feel like a gentleman back in the days that women didn't put out before they were married; I found a guy who I really like, but I can't "lay" him just yet, and I respect him too much to just call him for sex, I have not had sex for 3 months now, and that's the longest I've ever gone without. So I'm getting a little frisky and my little text messaging fingers are getting "the itch" to send a message to someone whom I don't mind just "using".

I know this is bad, and while trying not to justify it, I do think it's better to give into a craving than to just ignore it and let it get worse. I'm not leading these men on and they know exactly what it is. I may be seeing Hugh this weekend, but that's not for sure, and even if it was, I don't expect anything.

So the first guy I send a message to, the boy I lost my virginity to, is busy with work and can't tonight.

The second is out of credit (I assume, or else he'd be right onto me); He never responded, and I really didn't expect it, it was just too easy to shoot one his way to see what happened. He and I dated a long while ago, and while it was ancient history we did end up in bed together later on, and from memory, it was good.

The third, a boy I've only met twice but have been wanting so very badly since we first met, does not have a car - I just found out - it almost killed me. He did want to take me home at some point though, I couldn't that night. Nothing has ever really happened with him as I was a little uncomfortable about having sex in the park like he wanted to, in front of the drunks and all.

So I am immensely sexually frustrated and in need of someone else's skin on mine.

Part of me is happy though, if Hugh and I do get together in the end, at least I can say I didn't have sex with anyone when we were "getting together" as it were.

Love, Peace &Respect
Stacey

So I've been thinking alot about Hugh, a good friend of mine whom I always seem to be hooking up with. I (think) we both really like each other. He acts like a boyfriend would, and I like that. Although I'm not too sure what to do about things at this point as it's all very complicated.

But anyways, he is the first man I have ever met who I wouldn't mind going monogamous with, and for me, this is a huge deal. I've never done real monogomy and I've never been interested in it, that is until the night I met Hugh.

I've been listening to music a fair bit lately, and this one song really grabs me... Sara Bareilles - Gravity Here's the lyrics... (Yes, a lazy girls way to blog! )

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

"Fuck this for a joke!"

I’m sick of taking it one day at a time!

I can’t work when I feel like this, I can’t hardly find the strength to face the day, I just want to roll over and go back to sleep, but I can never sleep either.

So sick of the way I’m living and it feels like I can’t change a thing. I’m alone, isolated from everyone and everything by either my will or someone else’s.

I know I shouldn’t complain, other people have it harder, but I feel like I’m in a deep, dark hole and there is no way out, every attempt just ends with me digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Every time I get to this stage I always suffer in silence, away from everyone else, until I am “better” and able to face things again, but everything is on top of me right now and I know my own pattern, I know that I must break it and I must step up and ask for help.

I feel like shrinking away from my problems would be easy, although it is the preferred option right now, its “easy” to pretend they don’t exist, that they never did, that I’m 100 per cent okay.

But is it really worth it? Is anything really worth it? Or should I just give up now and sink further into my discontent. What’s easy, it’s all too hard.

Flowing down our pipe...

I'm lonely and finding something to invest my heart in.

I've been distracted for far too long and at 2.41AM, the penny is beginning to drop. I feel like my heart could burst in my chest and I know that in a couple years time I will not agree with a word of what I'm saying but I know that right now, tomorrow is everything.

Emotional investment was for losers not too long ago, while I was ignoring everything about me, or maybe everything about the future me?

Time flows like liquid down a pipe, too fast for you to hold onto the past but not fast enough for you to let go.

and I'm flowing outside of the pipe occasionally, in those moments that seem to last forever.

tonights an ending for many, and a beginning for others.

I got an ex girlfriend who's stoned of her ass, wanting to see me and others, wanting us to meet her new best thing who she thinks will last forever, but will it? Or is it like me, explaining to a strange man at Giselle's party once that nothing, but nothing lasts forever. You have to die some day, always act like that day is tomorrow and you will be forever happy and great full for the good times.

Many relationships I have seen come and go throughout the years and every time one ends, it seems to give light to new things for both parties. Is monogamy really a good idea or is it a time waster? Even if you are in a relationship that will last for years to come, it is like your safety blanket, you will find someone else who you connect with better than the former, and what happens to that person when it ends? You are forever growing and changing, like water to ice, to snow, to gas, but no matter what, you're still flowing down that pipe and you can't stop that, not for a moment.

The pipe ends at the end but no-one knows when the end will end.

I write raw, and mostly from my heart, which until one faithful drunken night, was rather happy with the way things were, but will I ever be happy like that again? Was I really happy? Or was I simply fooling myself because underneath it all I knew I needed a 20-something male to cuddle upto in the dark, to "complete me", for now?

I remember laying under the stars one night, when I was rather gone, which seems to be when all my appifanies happen, and I thought to myself, what am I doing? Where am I going? Where are we all gong?

Am I happy with flowing with things? Do I really have a choice any more?

I'm at a point in my life where I'm approaching many, very terrifying crossroads and I am over-analyzing.

I want out, but can I really handle the big, bad world?

It's like my driving, I can handle it until I realize what I'm doing and what I'm risking and then I freeze, my heart though, scares me more than any bodily harm.

I'm growing up, realizing how liquid things are and am unsure if I want them to be this way, do I want ice or snow, do I want hail or gas? If I scream "NO, STOP, SLOW DOWN!" will it all end? Will it end how I want it to?

Flowing down my pipe, only sure of where I will end up and unsure of what the obsticals are, a month ago I would have been fine, even a week ago. There's too many possibilities and I'm just frightened, I hope that's all it is.

How do I really want to flow? Do I want to flow at all?

There's no such thing as forever, only now. This sparkling moment that shall melt in my hand any instant.

... there it goes.

Fancy feelings?

Maybe if I ignore it, It’ll go away?

My heart feels every blow, every time I let it get bruised, it seems to toughen up, and get ready for the next round.

But now it seems like it’s not going to heal, I’ve gone too long without serving it’s needs, gone too deeply into serving my own and letting myself feel good. Ignoring my feelings too long, and I’m at risk of doing it again.

Lacking the meaning, like it should, I let myself float away on pure ecstasy, but then in the morning I wake up and release just how hollow I feel on the inside. It does not matter what I know about you or how well we know each others bodies, I know I could never really let you in, I’m much to fragile for that.

It’s like letting a tiger loose in your loungeroom while baby sitting, you’ll just take, tear and feed on my insecurities.

But if I never let you in, who am I going to let in?

Is this really as stupid as it sounds?