To help one's self.

This morning I was listening to Kings of Leon on my CD player in the bathroom while I was having a shower.

It sort of got me in this carefree head space that I miss so much.

I've got a lot on my mind lately and every so often I need to take a step back and just think. I need to remind myself of my priority's in life and about what is important, or I will find myself beating off the black dog as it wrestles me to the ground, going straight for the jugular and wiping me out. This has happened before, and as I know the signs, I know I won't let it happen again.

I don't want to be wiped out. I want to be a success. I know I have this issue to deal with and I'm going to deal. I'm going to make it and I'm going to be a success.

I can be whatever I put my mind to.

I will work smart not hard.

My thoughts are that I just need to tell myself, over and over.

I used to have on the wall above my door a message reminding me that I deserve more than drop-kick guys, now I'm thinking I need a message (or a few messages/affirmations) here and there to remind me that I can do it and I will do it.

As I've been procrastinating over homework for the last few days, I think perhaps it's time I did that homework, eh? Eh? Eh?

BUT; I will write out what I need to affirm, as well, perhaps before the homework (yeah, I know, more procrastination!) Just talking about it, makes me feel better, and that's what I need right now.

Love,
Me

xx

The MUSH!

My heads a bit of a mush.

I know somethings wrong, and I'm not sure i can address it just yet;



My process (when somethings wrong) is to:


Have the "mush" - There's something up and it's REALLY getting to me

Compartmentalize the mush - figure out what i can and can't help, what's out of my control and what I can control.

Address the part of the Mush that I can control

Then finally (once I know my head a little better): Address the issues I have.


I think perhaps everyone has their own process and everyone has their own way of working through it. My way is my way. It works just fine for me. I'm going to use my blog to do just as is said above (the process); Here we go...



So; The mush...

Is about my relationship;

About my living;

About my school and work;

In short: About Ben, our relationship, the distance and the distant murmurs of people trying to talk through the distance and how that issue is going to be addressed.

Question is; is that the only issue? Or am I just making a mountain out of an ant hill?

It feels great just to write this down...

I'll start from the start, or as near as I can come to it.

Ben lives inter-state. We only see each other about once a month. We've been "official" for a week shy of four months. Previous to Ben, I had never had a relationship as serious as what I have with Ben. I love him, the true, romantic love that you just sink into, and it's amazing.

I suppose the main issue is that Ben lives so far away and he's talking about moving closer, which, commitment-phoebe me, is a little freaked out about as I think I have taken some comfort in the distance.

I can't believe my luck in finding someone like him, yet my fears that kept me out of conventional relationships before seem to just creep up.

Last night I went out with some friends and we had a GREAT time, much of the time was spent with a friend of mine in his car, talking about Ben.

This friend really does like Ben, and wants him to live down here, he even offered his services as a cabinet maker to put together some furniture for Ben, if he should so need it, free of charge.

I was talking to my friend though about Ben and how he's thinking of moving closer, etc. I think the unsaid, coming from me though, was my fear of being smothered. I have been smothered plenty in the past by men and women alike and I really do treasure my space and time alone. If he moved to my city, it would take away my "time alone"; he would be here all the time, espeshally if he lived with me. I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe in the future I will be, but this is where I need to take baby steps. Perhaps he should move to the same city - for his course; Then move in with me in time or move out together; Then it'll be right, We'll address any issues we have in time, but we will have the time to figure that out, you know?

I also have the fears that, if we are to break up, I'm responsible for his move away from the family, although at the same time I'm not as he wants to do a course in my city. So I suppose when it comes down to it, it's really less pressure on me, but perhaps that was how I was feeling.

Speaking of feeling, I'm feeling a whole lot better after writing this. I think I've identified the problems - My mush - and I can deal with it, mostly on my own. I think perhaps I will talk this through with him, in time, but right now I just feel great having it off my chest.



Thanks Medium, You've done it once again! :)

Love me
xxx