My Medium

My thoughts; the letter.

2009-06-10T23:00:00.002+10:00

Ben,

We need to talk; I'm feeling like shit. I've cried over this relationship more than a handful of times, and this isn't just the "you're going away" cry. I'm crying because I'm not totaly Happy. Keep reading, this is not a break up letter. I feel very, very deeply for you, and I know you do for me too, so I don't think we should give this up.

I don't know if they're all my issues. The best I can see is, some are me, some are us and some are you. I'm decidedly blunt because beating around the bush just doesn't work with us.

I'm noticing a pattern, I'll get upset, or 'bothered' by something that happens, or more often than not, something that does not happen, then I start to feel like it's a one-sided relationship, like I'm the only one giving, then, when I'm beginning to give up hope, you will turn around and do something, then for a while I will feel things are good again. Then the whole thing repeats.

I'm also beginning to see paterns within my own behaviour and thoughts when things happen, or don't happen with you and me. I'm beginning to see how I will feel a sertain way so I will feel like I "need" an extreme to eaven me out. (like the slave stuff).

It's feeling good just to write this much down. Making progress, I am.

I want to adress my issues, yours, and the relationships. I want to talk about it openly and not feel like I'm hurting you just by mentioning things. Life is hard, realtionships are too. We both need to learn to deal with it or we'll never get through.

To help one's self.

2009-05-18T16:29:00.002+10:00

This morning I was listening to Kings of Leon on my CD player in the bathroom while I was having a shower.

It sort of got me in this carefree head space that I miss so much.

I've got a lot on my mind lately and every so often I need to take a step back and just think. I need to remind myself of my priority's in life and about what is important, or I will find myself beating off the black dog as it wrestles me to the ground, going straight for the jugular and wiping me out. This has happened before, and as I know the signs, I know I won't let it happen again.

I don't want to be wiped out. I want to be a success. I know I have this issue to deal with and I'm going to deal. I'm going to make it and I'm going to be a success.

I can be whatever I put my mind to.

I will work smart not hard.

My thoughts are that I just need to tell myself, over and over.

I used to have on the wall above my door a message reminding me that I deserve more than drop-kick guys, now I'm thinking I need a message (or a few messages/affirmations) here and there to remind me that I can do it and I will do it.

As I've been procrastinating over homework for the last few days, I think perhaps it's time I did that homework, eh? Eh? Eh?

BUT; I will write out what I need to affirm, as well, perhaps before the homework (yeah, I know, more procrastination!) Just talking about it, makes me feel better, and that's what I need right now.

Love,
Me

xx

The MUSH!

2009-05-17T15:14:00.003+10:00

My heads a bit of a mush.

I know somethings wrong, and I'm not sure i can address it just yet;

My process (when somethings wrong) is to:

Have the "mush" - There's something up and it's REALLY getting to me

Compartmentalize the mush - figure out what i can and can't help, what's out of my control and what I can control.

Address the part of the Mush that I can control

Then finally (once I know my head a little better): Address the issues I have.

I think perhaps everyone has their own process and everyone has their own way of working through it. My way is my way. It works just fine for me. I'm going to use my blog to do just as is said above (the process); Here we go...

So; The mush...

Is about my relationship;

About my living;

About my school and work;

In short: About Ben, our relationship, the distance and the distant murmurs of people trying to talk through the distance and how that issue is going to be addressed.

Question is; is that the only issue? Or am I just making a mountain out of an ant hill?

It feels great just to write this down...

I'll start from the start, or as near as I can come to it.

Ben lives inter-state. We only see each other about once a month. We've been "official" for a week shy of four months. Previous to Ben, I had never had a relationship as serious as what I have with Ben. I love him, the true, romantic love that you just sink into, and it's amazing.

I suppose the main issue is that Ben lives so far away and he's talking about moving closer, which, commitment-phoebe me, is a little freaked out about as I think I have taken some comfort in the distance.

I can't believe my luck in finding someone like him, yet my fears that kept me out of conventional relationships before seem to just creep up.

Last night I went out with some friends and we had a GREAT time, much of the time was spent with a friend of mine in his car, talking about Ben.

This friend really does like Ben, and wants him to live down here, he even offered his services as a cabinet maker to put together some furniture for Ben, if he should so need it, free of charge.

I was talking to my friend though about Ben and how he's thinking of moving closer, etc. I think the unsaid, coming from me though, was my fear of being smothered. I have been smothered plenty in the past by men and women alike and I really do treasure my space and time alone. If he moved to my city, it would take away my "time alone"; he would be here all the time, espeshally if he lived with me. I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe in the future I will be, but this is where I need to take baby steps. Perhaps he should move to the same city - for his course; Then move in with me in time or move out together; Then it'll be right, We'll address any issues we have in time, but we will have the time to figure that out, you know?

I also have the fears that, if we are to break up, I'm responsible for his move away from the family, although at the same time I'm not as he wants to do a course in my city. So I suppose when it comes down to it, it's really less pressure on me, but perhaps that was how I was feeling.

Speaking of feeling, I'm feeling a whole lot better after writing this. I think I've identified the problems - My mush - and I can deal with it, mostly on my own. I think perhaps I will talk this through with him, in time, but right now I just feel great having it off my chest.

Thanks Medium, You've done it once again! :)

Love me
xxx

A draft...

2008-10-20T15:00:00.001+11:00

Hugh.

I hope you had a really amazing birthday yesterday and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to catch you at the pub. My lift (Glen) canceled, so I couldn’t get there and back.

I need to know some things from you, as we don’t see each other regularly, this is the best way that I can think of to go about things.

I was under the impression that we were friends. I’m not too sure about how much you remember from the last night I saw you but I did say I wanted to be friends and you said the same back to me.

At this point, all I seem to be getting from you is one-line responses to stuff on myspace, ignored phone calls, etc.

I’m sending this because I want you to let me know what you want (or don’t want) from me. I’m a big girl and I can handle rejection. If you don’t want to ever see me again, I’d rather you just came out and said it over hoping that I’ll go away on my own.

If you do want to hang out or be friends, I’m more than happy at that and I apologize if you have just been busy or whatever and have not been able to keep in contact. I hope we do have more chance to talk (and drink, and hang out) after you read this.

Please write me back and let me know where things are at.

Thank you,

Stacey

Bad poetry to help one heal.

2008-10-20T12:10:00.000+11:00

I'll throw my whole self in, heart and all
So you can get this fleating pleasure you won't even remember.

I'll give up all that I want, all that I need
Just so you can taste the sweetness of all the things you like.

I'll change and mold myself, I'll cover the cracks in the plaster
So you can have your perfect partner

I'll give up my life,
Just so you can have the one you want.

I'll grow up, realize how wrong all of this is
Then you'll be left old and alone because you never wanted me happy.

Note to you...

2008-10-19T19:10:00.001+11:00

You don't understand why I'm so hurt.
I don't understand how you could hurt me this much.

No-one could rip me up this good right now.
So I thought. My control's a fallacy .

Burn me, tear me, bite me, bruise me, I've had it all before.
I've never had someone like you, maybe that's why things are so fucked.

Breathe you in, relax, my insides all gooey.
If only for a moment, please, give me one more moment.

The radio's playing some other cheesy song
I roll my eyes. "Just jealous 'cos we're young and in love".

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

2008-10-11T23:38:00.000+11:00

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
- George Bernard Shaw

You're kidding me. I can't believe that people are so crazy. I can't believe that I was about to sink to someone else's level in order to get something sub-standard that would have done me more harm than good.

Why do you think I'm going to go for that? Because you would? I'm usually calm, collected and reasonable but you're on my last nerve. Get real.

Playing games was for when we were kids. I don't play games anymore. I'm to the point and I would think that you, with all your bullshit about strength and respect would get that. Or maybe you're not as strong as you make out to be. Maybe you really don't respect other people.

I'm wondering over the fall out if you were to ever figure out this was about you. Or if you were to even suspect it.

I don't want to be mad at you, I really do care about you, but please, neither of us can be acting this childishly, neither of us can afford to waste our lives. Cut out all the bullshit and take my hand, I'll make you fly.

I miss...

2008-10-09T03:25:00.000+11:00

So I'm sitting up in my room, and can't sleep... listening to old songs because I can't find the new ones; I start to remember things from a time that seemed so long ago, but was in this year.

I remem
bered how I'd missed things.
How I'd misse
d feeling more free, how I'd missed falling, flying and the buzz that lasts for days.
How I'd misse
d sneaking back into the house at some bizarre hour only to get up an hour later for tafe, but still feeling refreshed.
I misse
d the way he made me feel good when he was so bad for me.
I miss speed
ing down the highway, singing some song with lyrics like, "I'm a brat, and I know everything, AND I TALK BACK!", Only to have him laugh, and make a face like his father, then for me to say something like, "It's true, and you love it!" then have him laugh harder.
I miss shoot
ing a text his way when I couldn't sleep only to find he couldn't either.
I miss looki
ng at him, and him having that wide smile, those cheeky eyes, right before he said "let's do it!"

I miss the way things were
but I don't miss him.

And what song made these thoughts pop into my head?

I hold an image of the ashtray girl
Of cigarette burns on my chest
I wrote a poem that described her world
And put our friendship to the test
And late at night
Whilst on all fours
She used to watch me kiss the floor
What's wrong with this picture?
What's wrong with this picture?

Farewell the ashtray girl
Forbidden snowflake
Beware this troubled world
Watch out for earthquakes
Goodbye to open sores
To broken semaphore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

Sometimes it's fated
(We) Disintegrated it
For fear of growing old
Sometimes it's fated
(We) Assassinated it
For fear of growing old

Farewell the ashtray girl
Angelic fruitcake
Beware this troubled world
Control your intake
Goodbye to open sores
Goodbye and furthermore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

....

Hang on
Though we try
It's gone
Hang on
Though we try
It's gone

Goodn
ight.
x.x.x

Pointless and painful; like it's writer.

2008-10-04T01:23:00.000+10:00

"wh I feel amaziini zinc vice thing I make pence with snout kids to self I know your head bad plate buddy you go bye"

The outbox on my phone makes oh-so-much sense!

It's sort of like your head on a good day, or like my own when I try to think about what one wants out of life and what one needs from their own relationships and time on this planet.

What do I want out of my time on this planet? I thought I knew but now I don't. Or maybe I never knew, maybe I was just kidding myself.

All of my good writing of late has been making me think about how out-of-control things have gotten, and then I think, did I ever really have control? Or was the control I had all in my head?

Will I just end up working to pay the rent and wasteing my days inside relationships and friendships that just make so little sense to everyone, but at the time make so much sense to me?

It's a shame the leader I used to follow just went to bed, or I could ask him, what the hell is going on tonight, what the hell is going on with me.

I want to fade away because it makes so much sense, because it's just easyer. What's the point of all of this? What's the point of being here and what's the point of me?

One day on the train headed home from TAFE I over-hear two idiot bogans, going on about heroin and other drugs, but what they're saying, if you read between the lines, makes so much sense.

One turned to the other and said something along the lines of; "This world is so fucked up, they put you on this planet, a kid not knowing what to do with themselves, and then you try so hard to find your way, but you just get lost, again and again, you want so badly to lose yourself in the sex, the drugs and the stupid things in life, and it hurts, because before you know it you're in your thirties and alone, nothing to show for yourself." (I may have changed, cut/added more to this, I don't know).

I don't think I need to point out that I don't want to be like these people, I want so badly to find my way, and at one point, early in this year when TAFE was just starting, and when I had a good boyfriend (in my eyes, but it appears in no-one elses), and I had everything going well, before I let it all get ontop of me and smother me, that things were working, or so they appeared.

This year has been really interesting in that I've met some really interesting people, and got to know some other people who I relate to really well, but who's lives are not that that I want to be living.

A good friend of mine, who I really don't need to name here, got into stripping and prostitution when she was my age (she's a year older than me, roughly - her birthdays Wednesday coming and she's 20), and for her, it all makes sense, it all feels good and it's bring in the cash that she can now spend on her polyamerous boyfriend.

Poly has been something that's got me so interested over the years, but I'm still not sure if I fit into that scene, even though a hell of a lot of the relationships - or couplings - I find myself in are Poly, which is great, for now.

But there is no direction, it's all exploration and I still don't know how happy I am with that.

This blog, in itself, the way it's written resembles the way things are for me right now, no great purpose and no direction, and I know that if it gets any comments at all, they will be people telling me that they, too, don't have direction or that I will find it soon. And really, do I want to find it? Will I be happy then?

Happiness comes from within, they say, but inside me there does not seem to be anything happy, or purposeful. It all seems to be without a purpose and just running, on it's own, because it has to, because there's no other way.

"I'm on auto-pilot, I can't feel anything anymore, it's numb and dark and cold, like a deep pit. I dig to get out but get further in, I dig me deeper... and I don't like it, not one bit." -me, at 15

If I took this other way, and hurt the people who truely cared about me, would they understand that I was long suffering, that things just seemed so hopeless and pointless to me that I just had to take this short road, and not my long one?

Don't get me wrong, this is not ment to make you worry about me and call me every hour to see I have not done something dumb, or something rash, but it's ment to give you some insite - and me some sense of control over things.

"Life feels like a pipe, and I am the liquid, flowing quickly, not finding anything to hold on to or that's worth holding onto, everything is as pointless and superficial as are some of these 'happy' feelings, fleeting and skin deep. I am here for the taken - who knew it would be so unwanted?"

Ow, my brain is fucked.

Feel better without feeling worse?

2008-08-21T23:06:00.002+10:00

I suffer from depression.

It's something that for many years I have dodged, but I don't even remember the last time I felt 100 per cent.

Lately I've felt so down and out that I don't even get out of bed most days. I have a cycle of doona days and don't even want to get up to shower or brush my teeth.

It does not help that I keep getting sick, (colds, the flu, tonsillitis, laryngitis - this winter alone). I know I'm more at risk for these things because of my state of mental health - if you want an excuse not to do things, you'll find it, and it'll find you. - but it's still a struggle that does not compliment the state I'm in.

There are so many cycles here. That of me making myself worse to feel better. I have self-destructive written all over me and continue to find ways to hurt myself. None of these are going to improve my situation.

I suppose "the straw that broke the camels back" today was finding out that I've failed all my classes bar one. It hurt, but I knew it would happen. I needed that kick up the ass, and I got it. This week, after today, of course, as I've also been suffering insomnia, and after I write this I will be heading to bed, I will be doing a terms worth of work, scratch that, a semesters. It'll be hard, but I can do it. I'll just keep telling myself that.

I've hit a bottom, of sorts, but I know there's a whole level beneath this and I've been hiding from it too long. I need to talk to someone, a professional. I need to talk about my pain to get better. I need to hit a real bad patch, "get fucked up" to get sober, or so to speak.

I needed to write this down, for me, so I can feel a little better. *exhails*

Goodnight.
xxx

Little black book

2008-07-30T19:12:00.002+10:00

I feel like a gentleman back in the days that women didn't put out before they were married; I found a guy who I really like, but I can't "lay" him just yet, and I respect him too much to just call him for sex, I have not had sex for 3 months now, and that's the longest I've ever gone without. So I'm getting a little frisky and my little text messaging fingers are getting "the itch" to send a message to someone whom I don't mind just "using".

I know this is bad, and while trying not to justify it, I do think it's better to give into a craving than to just ignore it and let it get worse. I'm not leading these men on and they know exactly what it is. I may be seeing Hugh this weekend, but that's not for sure, and even if it was, I don't expect anything.

So the first guy I send a message to, the boy I lost my virginity to, is busy with work and can't tonight.

The second is out of credit (I assume, or else he'd be right onto me); He never responded, and I really didn't expect it, it was just too easy to shoot one his way to see what happened. He and I dated a long while ago, and while it was ancient history we did end up in bed together later on, and from memory, it was good.

The third, a boy I've only met twice but have been wanting so very badly since we first met, does not have a car - I just found out - it almost killed me. He did want to take me home at some point though, I couldn't that night. Nothing has ever really happened with him as I was a little uncomfortable about having sex in the park like he wanted to, in front of the drunks and all.

So I am immensely sexually frustrated and in need of someone else's skin on mine.

Part of me is happy though, if Hugh and I do get together in the end, at least I can say I didn't have sex with anyone when we were "getting together" as it were.

Love, Peace &Respect
Stacey

2008-07-30T03:26:00.002+10:00

So I've been thinking alot about Hugh, a good friend of mine whom I always seem to be hooking up with. I (think) we both really like each other. He acts like a boyfriend would, and I like that. Although I'm not too sure what to do about things at this point as it's all very complicated.

But anyways, he is the first man I have ever met who I wouldn't mind going monogamous with, and for me, this is a huge deal. I've never done real monogomy and I've never been interested in it, that is until the night I met Hugh.

I've been listening to music a fair bit lately, and this one song really grabs me... Sara Bareilles - Gravity Here's the lyrics... (Yes, a lazy girls way to blog! )

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

"Fuck this for a joke!"

2008-07-09T11:05:00.000+10:00

I’m sick of taking it one day at a time!

I can’t work when I feel like this, I can’t hardly find the strength to face the day, I just want to roll over and go back to sleep, but I can never sleep either.

So sick of the way I’m living and it feels like I can’t change a thing. I’m alone, isolated from everyone and everything by either my will or someone else’s.

I know I shouldn’t complain, other people have it harder, but I feel like I’m in a deep, dark hole and there is no way out, every attempt just ends with me digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Every time I get to this stage I always suffer in silence, away from everyone else, until I am “better” and able to face things again, but everything is on top of me right now and I know my own pattern, I know that I must break it and I must step up and ask for help.

I feel like shrinking away from my problems would be easy, although it is the preferred option right now, its “easy” to pretend they don’t exist, that they never did, that I’m 100 per cent okay.

But is it really worth it? Is anything really worth it? Or should I just give up now and sink further into my discontent. What’s easy, it’s all too hard.

Flowing down our pipe...

2008-07-03T02:52:00.004+10:00

I'm lonely and finding something to invest my heart in.

I've been distracted for far too long and at 2.41AM, the penny is beginning to drop. I feel like my heart could burst in my chest and I know that in a couple years time I will not agree with a word of what I'm saying but I know that right now, tomorrow is everything.

Emotional investment was for losers not too long ago, while I was ignoring everything about me, or maybe everything about the future me?

Time flows like liquid down a pipe, too fast for you to hold onto the past but not fast enough for you to let go.

and I'm flowing outside of the pipe occasionally, in those moments that seem to last forever.

tonights an ending for many, and a beginning for others.

I got an ex girlfriend who's stoned of her ass, wanting to see me and others, wanting us to meet her new best thing who she thinks will last forever, but will it? Or is it like me, explaining to a strange man at Giselle's party once that nothing, but nothing lasts forever. You have to die some day, always act like that day is tomorrow and you will be forever happy and great full for the good times.

Many relationships I have seen come and go throughout the years and every time one ends, it seems to give light to new things for both parties. Is monogamy really a good idea or is it a time waster? Even if you are in a relationship that will last for years to come, it is like your safety blanket, you will find someone else who you connect with better than the former, and what happens to that person when it ends? You are forever growing and changing, like water to ice, to snow, to gas, but no matter what, you're still flowing down that pipe and you can't stop that, not for a moment.

The pipe ends at the end but no-one knows when the end will end.

I write raw, and mostly from my heart, which until one faithful drunken night, was rather happy with the way things were, but will I ever be happy like that again? Was I really happy? Or was I simply fooling myself because underneath it all I knew I needed a 20-something male to cuddle upto in the dark, to "complete me", for now?

I remember laying under the stars one night, when I was rather gone, which seems to be when all my appifanies happen, and I thought to myself, what am I doing? Where am I going? Where are we all gong?

Am I happy with flowing with things? Do I really have a choice any more?

I'm at a point in my life where I'm approaching many, very terrifying crossroads and I am over-analyzing.

I want out, but can I really handle the big, bad world?

It's like my driving, I can handle it until I realize what I'm doing and what I'm risking and then I freeze, my heart though, scares me more than any bodily harm.

I'm growing up, realizing how liquid things are and am unsure if I want them to be this way, do I want ice or snow, do I want hail or gas? If I scream "NO, STOP, SLOW DOWN!" will it all end? Will it end how I want it to?

Flowing down my pipe, only sure of where I will end up and unsure of what the obsticals are, a month ago I would have been fine, even a week ago. There's too many possibilities and I'm just frightened, I hope that's all it is.

How do I really want to flow? Do I want to flow at all?

There's no such thing as forever, only now. This sparkling moment that shall melt in my hand any instant.

... there it goes.

Fancy feelings?

2008-07-03T02:00:00.000+10:00

Maybe if I ignore it, It’ll go away?

My heart feels every blow, every time I let it get bruised, it seems to toughen up, and get ready for the next round.

But now it seems like it’s not going to heal, I’ve gone too long without serving it’s needs, gone too deeply into serving my own and letting myself feel good. Ignoring my feelings too long, and I’m at risk of doing it again.

Lacking the meaning, like it should, I let myself float away on pure ecstasy, but then in the morning I wake up and release just how hollow I feel on the inside. It does not matter what I know about you or how well we know each others bodies, I know I could never really let you in, I’m much to fragile for that.

It’s like letting a tiger loose in your loungeroom while baby sitting, you’ll just take, tear and feed on my insecurities.

But if I never let you in, who am I going to let in?

Is this really as stupid as it sounds?

The truth of the matter.

2008-06-22T18:33:00.000+10:00

I’m vulnerable, fragile and stupid.

Let’s just give up now as it’s never going to fix itself, I’m broken and it’s all my own fault.

I trust too easy, love to freely and fall much too hard too quickly and that’s just for a start. I also fall for people like you, you’re like a disease and you’re spreading right through me. I feel you in my toes, my tongue, my fingers and my spine. I feel you under my skin and I know you just won’t get out.

New relationship energy drives people wild with excitement but I’ve had enough excitement for this year. Enough pain and hurt. It’s only half way through and I’ve had enough of everything for the next twenty years. I may just crawl back inside my coffin now.

It all sounds like an exaggeration, and it really is but I want to feel that first kiss again, the first time you touched me, the first time you said you cared and it warmed my heart. Where did that go? Why am I now like this? Isn’t it funny how the tables turn.

Four months ago I was the one telling you not to attach, not to get too deep, because you wouldn’t be able to get out again. You attached to me though, and that was smart, that was how it should go. Not what I’m doing. I’m attaching to an idea, a person that does not exist.

Man I’m fucked up.

Kid’s these days will never get it, and neither will adults, we only know what goes on inside our own mind, and not what happens in the minds of others. We only understand our own feelings, and that’s if we’re lucky. So if I only get me, and even then I only *just* get me, why do I want you too?

I don’t want to share, I don’t want to pretend, I just want to feel myself and be myself and just be happy. It’s simple, effective and I need it more than I need you.

Is this the beauty of youth? Will I remember this all happily one day? Maybe I will… Let’s wait and see.

Deep breaths, children.

2008-06-09T17:01:00.000+10:00

A few days later on the 5th of June...

I wonder to myself what's wrong with you, as I stare across in the car.

what's going through your mind, what's making you tick? Are you thinking what I'm thinking (B 1?) Are you feeling what i do? Or are you as senseless as you make people believe you are?

I know you've had your issues, as has everyone, but yours seem to run deeper than you let on, you're all warm, but I know that's not really how you feel. I can read you better than you'll know.

You're like an empty tank of petrol, just running on what you can get. Whatever makes you have that high that we used to get together. But now you use drugs, loose women and booze. It's just not the same, and we both know it.

I want to hurt you, just so I know you're real, I wonder how someone could function like you do.

How can you do this to yourself? Is your quest for something more driving you that mad?

I don't know anymore. but i feel I must keep writing as it drains the hurt, swelled heart and makes it easier to breathe.

Le bizzare dark night.

2008-06-09T16:59:00.000+10:00

I wrote it a few days ago, on the 3rd of June...

Lying in the dark with the smell of fresh sheets hitting our nostrils, I could feel her presence as she lay next to me, in the cold room, the chill running down both our spines. I can't feel anything negative, no pain, no poor feeling, no numb, the world is just aglow.

The drugs we took and the bizarre events of the day and night just passed seemed to make us feel like we were the only ones left on earth. We were floating and the waves were rising. Comfort and peace seemed to be raining on us softly.

I wanted so much to reach out and touch her, to feel the Goosebumps on her icy skin yet know there was something warm beating within her.

One of the most beautiful people I'd ever met was lying next to me, breathing me in silently.

I reach out and touch her hand, just to feel the texture of her knuckles and the smoothness of the back of her palm, soft and gentle, her nature, someone's life can be seen vividly in their hands I've always thought. It's funny how the difference between sexes is so obvious when you look at the hands, the lifestyle choices too.

I ran my smallest finger in circles around the back of her palm then she opened it up for me to touch the inside of, she giggles and twitches slightly as I know it tickles her.

I still can't believe how clearly I am seeing the smaller details right now inside my usually clouded "big picture" mind.

We make eye contact and just as the world seems to make sense and I feel everything all at once, the world seems to fade into black and I can no longer feel her hands, her warmth, her presence, nothing. I can't even see two inches in front of me. There is nothing there. I feel nothing.

The world has disintegrated and I'm left in not knowing. The pain all comes back in a flood and all the negative feelings as were there before. It's simple for us to invent our own world, but how long can we make it last?

Ah, what a long time...

2008-06-08T22:47:00.004+10:00

So it's been a long time and much has been happening.

I have started my Environmental course. I'm really happy about that!

I've met lots of new people and tried many, MANY new things.

I've also done much growing and changing, yet I'm obveously the same person. I think my growth has been in a positive direction.

I'm going to post something else here soon, as I don't want this post to be lonely, of course! :)

Lonely won't leave me alone

2008-01-09T01:28:00.000+11:00

It feels like it's eating me up from the inside.

The depression is bad but the anxiety so much worse.

It's hard feeling nothing but a deep, dark disgusting pit.

Feeling like you ARE a pit, a useless being that is just a void

Then trying to hide it.

It's harder still to be a freak, to suffer from erratic attacks.

Why can't living just be easy, like it is for you?

At least the lonely doesn't eat you up.

As your external problems become internal and you feel the burn.

Stop the act, or we will all have to cut you up.

Drama fucking queen!

&It was just one of those times...

2008-01-05T07:01:00.000+11:00

Enlarged heart and broken fist.

I felt like everything was going to smash into one billion pieces.

Then I found out I'd taken the wrong tram and by the time I actually got there, I found things worse than I'd been told.

There are moments in everyone's life that their hearts break in two, and most people don't talk about them.

I talk about mine. Not openly, but I do talk.

And then people say I don't, I won't, I shan't. I shrug it off as I have my own reasons.

What if he'd died that day? What if I fucked up that night at work and things went worse? What if we'd never arrived and that guy who OD'd on the side of the road just, passed? What if that train I was on that crashed into the back of that truck was that little bit faster, and we'd hit the truck that bit harder, and we derailed, and I died? At 15!? That would be so fucked.

I'm here for a reason, and I don't know what that is yet, but I do intend to wait it all out until it's done, and until I know.

My youthful romance could kill me sometimes, and moments like the for mentioned, could have done even more damage.

Heroin.

2007-11-28T20:15:00.000+11:00

[this post is a little later than I meant it to be, I tried posting the day it happened, and gmail was acting funny, never mind, its here now]:

I saw someone overdose today.

It was the saddest thing I have ever seen, he was 27-28 according to his friend. Young, at the prime of his life and I'm sure he would have been quite striking if he had not been choking to breathe, turning purple and having a pulse that seems to have stopped, until someone resuscitated him.

I know I have a lot of friends who try drugs or who are on drugs of some sort, usually just "soft" drugs and I feel like it's morally wrong to tell them what to do with their bodies, but after seeing this guy today, I don't care. They need to know.

Everything seems to lead to something else, a kid has his first cigg, then he seems to think it's cool, so he tries pot, then before you know it, he's this guy. Cam, his mate leaning over him, slapping him, shaking him, calling out his name and hoping, beyond hope he won't lose him.

He was lucky, this time. I called the ambo's, a nurse pulled over to help and we all managed to keep him with us til the ambulance arrived. I honestly thought we lost him a few times. God, I don't even know this guy, and I can't sleep to think about it. What if he was my mate, ten years from now? What if my mates are not so lucky? What if no-one was there when it happened? A lot of people overdose when they are using alone. A lot of people don't want to resuscitate an addict because of the high chance of HIV, Hepatitis, and a whole host of other blood borne diseases.

I know we're only young, but do we want to end up like this? Do we want to have our lives snuffed out so easily and with no warning? Fuck the risk, no-one wants that happening to their loved ones.

All my love,
Stacey

A picture says a thousand words

2007-11-06T02:44:00.000+11:00

I was digging around TIME.com, and I found an image that really hit me, the contrasts of color and the hint of inpending doom pulled me in.

(c) TIME.com

Fuck you Mr &Mrs Ignorance!

2007-10-27T22:31:00.001+10:00

Is it just me, or is the whole world an ignorant blob?

MAN. So I'm talking to a friend today, and they're all, homophobic, which, I'm sure if you asked them (notice the non-sex, I'm making a point, not picking on someone kids), they'd scream as you irrationally and tell you they are "SO NOT!" so anyway, out of nowhere, they brings up sexuality, in a very ignorant way.

Not only is this the stupidest thing this person has said since, I dunno, the last stupid thing they said, it was incredibly offensive. I was utterly disgusted.

I hate ignorance and homophobia, I hate stupid people, and I seem to be surrounded by them.

When is someone going to be happy when their own friends lie, fake, cheat and bag them out FOR NO FUCKING REASON.

So I propose a toast, to all that are not ignorant, offensive assholes.

Yours truly,
Stacey

The freedom, the love, the summer.

2007-10-16T01:00:00.000+10:00

I think I'm in love,
With summer.

The first day, of what I consider summer just happened. It was a turning point, I think, in my own life, where I have considered life as more than just school, School feels eternal, but it's really not. It's only for a short time and then it's gone. 13 years for me, plus another few depending on what I decide, in the end, to get into.
I'm going to be a Journalist this week, as I've been told I'm a good writer by some, and I can see where I am lacking in this, as well as being in love with expressing opinion, and travel, as I will be able to do further travel through the job, if I manage to be a foreign correspondent like I'd love to do.
I have 6 school days left, and none of them are "full days." In fact, one of them is only one period.
I'm going to be so sad to see school go but so happy when it's all finally over. I can't wait for life to begin in a new and exciting way.
As my English teach says, every day is my last something at school (he's been saying it all year, to annoy me, but eh), "today is your last September 4th - 5th! (sorry) that you are going to be trying to get out of a SAC early and not going to succeed." and my Drama teach was telling the class today that hey, this is the end of school for you guys, and next year you can be whatever you want to be, if you were more shy, you can become move outgoing so on, as you can be what you want to be, that perhaps you were not able to be throughout high school, you may have felt trapped for whatever reason, and now you will be free.
I could only feel that this may be directed at me, but I was not sure, maybe it was her own personal feelings about us all, or about herself. Maybe I was just letting my tremendous ego run away with me.
There is so much I want to achieve in life and I don't want to get stuck, I think I will perhaps strive to not get stuck, I'm not sure if that's good to admit, but the word "freedom" being carved into my desk is a giveaway to my obsession.
I love writing as I can be as confident as I want to be in my approach, whereas I can not be confident in my speech, something I am clearly in lacking.
There is so much out there and I think my feelings of inspiration may be mirroring the weather, I don't know, but all I know is that I love nights like tonight, those good 'ole summer nights of relief after hot summer days. Just like school, graduation will be the relief for many after this marathon we have all been running.

'Till next time,
Stacey

Ignorance, it's pretty blissful, eh?

2007-10-05T03:34:00.000+10:00

Ignorance is bliss, but there are sometimes, when those that have to deal with the sick, sad excuses for "normal" people they see every day, just want to slap some of them out.

I'm so sick of people and their STUPID arguments, sure, there are poor and hungry in our own country, sure our own country has problems, but compared to others, we are a lot better off, there are ways to help the people over here who can't or don't want to work, there is welfare, The government will support you. We have one of the best welfare system's in the world, in Australia.

In other countries, the government takes advantage of its citizen to such an extent that it turns a blind eye to things like forced labor, poverty and famine.

And, even worse still, there are those countries, where the government is the one doing the harm. Places like Burma and Sudan, among many others, and so many westerners, who can, believe it or not, at least try to do something, don't. Why? Because we're lazy, because we want someone else to, because it's too hard, because it's too sad. So what, it's sad, it's depressing, it makes you sick to your stomach, and kids, it's suppose to. Instead of ignoring this, you are suppose to do something! Why do you think you have these feelings? They don't exist for the hell of it.

What sparked this, you may wonder. As you would be right to, many things started me on my walk down the garden path, to this rant I'm at now. But the straw that broke the camel's back was one of my friends using the age old argument that we need to deal with our own country's problems before we deal with those of other countries. For this, I will refer to the following poem, I don't really need to say much more.

They came first for the Communists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Catholics,
and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant.

Then they came for me,
and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Who will help, if there is no-one left to help? Freedom is essential. Please never forget that. If we don't fight for other peoples freedom, we can have little hope of retaining our own. Haman's are good at turning away when the movie gets gory, too good, even.

OMIGAWD! TEENAGERS!

2007-09-25T23:46:00.000+10:00

Sleep deprivation has screwed with my memory.

I can only vaguely remember some things, the things that may be the most important parts of the night.

I remember you – was that you? – smiling at me as I shot you with the ‘laser gun’ and you turned around, saw me, and smiled. I remember us flirting and you “picking on me to get my attention”, my memories are all pretty vague.

But I can remember you, coming and sitting next to me, beside me, panting, you’d been running. You were happy when I spoke to you.

I remember when we got back to your place at 4am, and you must have thought I was staying over, I smiled at you, and you back, then when someone asked whether I would be there all night, you smiled so big, then tried to hide it, and then when I said I wasn’t, you got all sad, and kind of pissed off, if I say so myself.

I want to see where this goes, if this goes anywhere, or was it all fake memory, the haze added to the appeal and you’re really an immature moron who I’m wasting my time thinking about, another waste of time perhaps? God I hope not.

You seemed really sweet, it was all really sweet, and so different to how normal meetings and such are. If this was our first meeting, imagine our first date, imagine… oh god imagine.

I hope this isn’t all just my imagination; I really want this to work out. You’re so cute, and it would be a nice story to tell people.

Fucking politics.

2007-09-17T19:30:00.000+10:00

Politics being all around, something I have always been told but never really wanted to believe. Recently, through being with the organization I volunteer with for a while, I have seen three types of political person.

Type one: The power hungry

These types seem to have different means to get the same thing, they are the suck ups at work, the bossy old women who seem to always want their way, the dominants. They want power, it doesn't matter how many people's feet they have to step on to get it.

Type two: The 'tweens'

I consider myself one of these, although they understand it, they don't want to be a part of it, sometimes these types rise in business, sometimes not. Although, they tend to be the people on the sides viewing it all.

Type three: non-politico.

These are the ones who don't seem to understand or care about the politics, they tend to be the "little minions" doing the work for those who understand it all better, if politicians had their way, everyone would be like this.

All three of these are present, on the ships at least, I'm sure there are more, but these are the really obvious ones, and I have grouped a lot of smaller groups together to make it all a simple post. Cut and clean, or so they say.

Arrrr, me hearties.

2007-09-16T22:45:00.000+10:00

My dream could come true. I could be a real-deal pirate.

The other day the organization I work with, (seashepherd.org) changed it's plans and decided that they want to move their ship at a different time and this means I could become crew, because the time they were previously moving the ship muddled too much with my own shedual and I couldn't do it, which upset me, but, I could be in the antarctic defending the whales.

OH! SO EXCITING!

I honestly can't wait to be out there, seeing the world and conserving the whales, they are the most awesome animals on the planet and far be it from me to let them die out just because a few money-hungry thugs want to prove a point to the rest of the world, "we're not going to be told what to do", well I'm sorry, but you are, and I will be there to do something against you.

Yes. There is a war, and I'm going to have the chance (maybe) to stop the wrong-doers and be on the front lines, fighting the good fight.

Love, me.

I wanna be in the media! woah!

2007-09-15T23:39:00.000+10:00

I've decided I want to be part of the manipulators, I want to be part of those that shape the view of the many and care about so few.

I want to be part of a group that's worse than politicians, I want to be part of a group that says and dose what it wants to make a few dollars, that wrecks lives and makes people cry without having to fire a single shot.

The truth? You can't handle the truth. No, I'm really serious, I want to be a media kid.

Saying things that are significant, or even things with no significants whatsoever.

I think I'd be great, don't you?

It's in my blood, and it should be in yours too.

M-E-D-I-A. It's my generation, it's yours, it's all of us, and it's quite a few bucks.

Breeding season. Baby season.

2007-09-14T09:15:00.000+10:00

Everywhere I look I see new life. On a trip to the mountains with a friend we saw kangaroo's with joey's in their pouches, little lambs, budding tree's and the greenest grass I have ever seen. Everything so beautiful and inspiring.

It just makes me want to hook up with someone! Funny that. All year I have been trying to stay away from men, but now my biological clock is telling me, "Hey! It's spring! Find a man and settle down!"

I love spring-time love, and summer love, I always tend to find someone at that time, I suppose because we're both looking, even if we don't know it consciencely.

Ah... The signs of spring.

The need for closed relationships?

2007-09-02T20:36:00.000+10:00

I am ever curious about open and closed relationships. I can see the need for both, but I think trust is more important than both. If you can trust that you are good enough for them to want to come to you, and to never stray or want anyone else, then good for you, but are you being naive? And what about matters of the heart, when should they come in to play?

I am curious about this as I have recently been looking at getting into the dating scene, and what is it that I want? Open, or Closed?

Open has it's appeals for me, I would be able to travel, and if I saw someone I liked, not feel the guilt, I would be able to try new things, and I'm not sure all my needs would be taken care of by just one person. The downside of this, of course, is the other half of the relationship wanting others just as I do, if I was to ever want to settle down and have something most serious, would the other be able to too, what if I was to fall pregnant? Open relationships are more a false sense of security where this is concerned, but at least I would be able to enjoy myself with this person and others. This is more the short-term for me, more the pleasures of the flesh and not so much of the mind, and of course the heart.

Closed relationships are more the way to go, but I would not be able to explore different parts of my sexuality, and when I traveled I would not be able to pick up as I pleased, but at least I would have something that (seemed) more reliable and something serious to fall back on.

The problem I see is if I get into a relationship with someone, and I only think it's monogamous, and it's really not, they are really with other people, and I am only blind enough to think it's just me and them. I would be wasting my time and throwing my heart in the deep end, when I could have just been out there enjoying myself on my travels. But as a good friend of mine once said, you can't keep your heart in glad-wrap forever. You have to throw it out there, and cross your fingers that someone will catch it, and that that person will be the right someone for you.

Ah, such is human relationships in all their glory.

Energy exchange?

2007-09-01T21:14:00.000+10:00

It's amazing how we feed off each others energies.

One of my now good friends told me when we first met that she believed strongly in the "exchanging of energies" and she believed that having encounters with many different people in a day, and having to tell them things, to convince them that her side was the right side to be on, made her energy levels go down, or go negative rather. As negative plus positive repeated 100 times over in probably going to equal negative in the long run.

This was an interesting theory, and I took it on bored when I went about my daily activities and later when i began to take on the job that she dose. I hated it, which is rather needless to say I suppose.

After reading a chapter in a biography i recently borrowed from my local library that goes in to how he (the writer) was inspired by his professor at uni, I found myself thinking of the people who inspire me and how that, in comparison to the work I do, is positive plus positive and how well they seem to work together.

Then I thought of a boy who I have been talking to since I was sixteen (I am eighteen in less than a month), and how he and I click, and how we bring each other up, and how exciting he is to talk to sometimes, yet how comfortable I am with him. He is most defiantly a positive energy in my life.

He is not, of course the only one, the organization I work for has tones of people in it who are amazing, who lift me up and make me go "WOW", yet who I can still sit down and talk about my day with over a good meal.

I think I will have to do some more reading into this energies exchange stuff, as I feel I need some positive energies in my room, house and life.

knowledge is power

2007-08-11T00:02:00.000+10:00

I'm starting to realize. I like education. I hate school, but I love education. I like the feeling I get when I can argue a point, when I can debate, when I can answer questions, tell other people, etc. I love the feeling when I just KNOW.

They say knowledge is power, and it is. I can't tell you how many time's when knowing something has got me out of a jam in my public speaking, or when it's given me authority over another (not that I enjoy power, but having a little bit is not bad, in fact, it's good. It's good, great in fact, to not be powerless).

I just need to work on my confidence, that's bad.

But I will get there kids.

AND IN OTHER NEWS: I am 18 next month, I quit my job, annnnnd, I have a crush on a boy, he's English, but cute English. I see him Sunday.

Wish me luck, and knowledge, of course!

Stacey - Pants

Dearest Parent

2007-06-25T01:32:00.000+10:00

Dear parent,

I needed to tell you. I couldn’t hold it in any more. My feelings have always been so intense about everything, and even more so about this.

I remember telling you, I remember saying the words, that now I choke upon. I remember saying how I felt. How liberal I was sexually, in some peoples opinions. I remember how liberated I felt, that finally, I was free. I could stop pretending. Maybe I could be recognized for the way I truly felt and not just shoved to one side.

Not that it really mattered; I just wanted you to know. I had feelings for a girl once; they were so intense, the times I spent with her were so much better than that of what I spent with any man. Our feelings bubbled over and it felt like we became one sometimes, even for short stretches of time.

I told you, when we were sitting in the TV room. You just said “OK.” And kept watching, it broke my heart. I wanted to cry so much, but I took myself away, it was so hard to say that and to have an answer so, nonchalant, so, bullshit; it burned me on the inside.

I remember for weeks after you told me that I was straight, that I didn’t like girls, I wanted to die. I said, no, I do; reminded you of the conversation, and you said you’d forgotten.

You’d forgotten? WHAT!?

Denial.

If you thought it was hard for you to accept that, and that you didn’t understand it, imagine growing up, feeling this way all your life, and never being able to tell anyone, then, when you “come out” to people and they don’t believe you, they ridicule you and they “forget”. Imagine the hurt, when the ones you most loved and cared about just called it bullshit. Imagine being me.

But you couldn’t, you couldn’t ever know, or even understand. I remember telling my best friends about it, and they just said you were in denial, you would come around, but you haven’t, not yet, and I don’t know if you ever will.

If you can’t accept me on something that is such a part of me, something that is so deeply burned into me, so far in my nature, how are you ever going to accept anything else?

I have never been purposely judgmental to anyone, lease of all the people I cared about. Yet they are to me.

I ask one question;

Why?

-Me.

The stress... the sickness

2007-06-16T13:47:00.000+10:00

I feel SO SICK right now, and it's not the first time this year I have been.

I am so over school. It has gotten so bad that I have begun not caring where I am going, or what I will do with my life, I just want out.

When I wake up in the morning, I have to force myself out of bed, it's so depressing, the motivation I have at this very moment.

It's all because of school, too. I am sick because of it, I am tired because of it, i can't get out of bed because of it.

and now its beginning to effect other areas of my life too.

I am too sick for the volunteer work, tomorrow. I love it, but I am afraid I will not be able to go.

life's a fuck, isn't it? You miss out on the good stuff because of this SHIT STUFF. GRR!

-Stacey

An introduction.

2007-05-23T01:20:00.000+10:00

Hello, ladies and gentlemen.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Stacey Louise. I am an Aussie girl who is very young (seventeen) but I have been accused of acting like a 30-something.

I have some interesting views on the world around me and I don’t tend to take people’s shit about them.

I can dish it out, and I can take it.

I am a high school girl. Although I hate it, and I have felt for a long time, that I have finished, in my head, but I still have to go, because the rest of me still needs to catch up.

I am a “till bitch”, yep, hardcore. I work at a fast food store (which is pretty yuck) its shit work, but my friends who I work with are sweet.

I am a pre-pirate. The most interesting part yet. I volunteer on weekends (mostly Sundays) and during school holidays, on a ship that is currently docked in Melbourne, my home town. If you want to know what it’s doing there, or what it dose, go to seashepherd.org.

I am pansexual, and I cop a lot of shit about it. Basically, a pansexual is someone who likes someone for who they are, not what they are (gender wise).

I am an activist, and my belief’s are, in some peoples opinions, “radical.” I believe that every being has a right to life. I believe that animals, including humans, are pretty sorely looked after, and I fight to bring awareness to these issues. I also fight for the rights.

I love my family, I love my friends, I love my self-expression, and I love how I can have all of this, but I also value how easily it can be taken away, and how I have to enjoy it while I have it.

I am unlike a lot of people, and I change every day, just like how I learn every day, I am a living, breathing human, and I am not the same as I was yesterday, last night or even last week.

There is a lot in the world I don’t know, but there is also a lot in the world that I do, so please, give me a chance, and I will reward you by giving you the same.

Thanks.