My thoughts; the letter.

Ben,

We need to talk; I'm feeling like shit. I've cried over this relationship more than a handful of times, and this isn't just the "you're going away" cry. I'm crying because I'm not totaly Happy. Keep reading, this is not a break up letter. I feel very, very deeply for you, and I know you do for me too, so I don't think we should give this up.

I don't know if they're all my issues. The best I can see is, some are me, some are us and some are you. I'm decidedly blunt because beating around the bush just doesn't work with us.

I'm noticing a pattern, I'll get upset, or 'bothered' by something that happens, or more often than not, something that does not happen, then I start to feel like it's a one-sided relationship, like I'm the only one giving, then, when I'm beginning to give up hope, you will turn around and do something, then for a while I will feel things are good again. Then the whole thing repeats.

I'm also beginning to see paterns within my own behaviour and thoughts when things happen, or don't happen with you and me. I'm beginning to see how I will feel a sertain way so I will feel like I "need" an extreme to eaven me out. (like the slave stuff).

It's feeling good just to write this much down. Making progress, I am.

I want to adress my issues, yours, and the relationships. I want to talk about it openly and not feel like I'm hurting you just by mentioning things. Life is hard, realtionships are too. We both need to learn to deal with it or we'll never get through.

To help one's self.

This morning I was listening to Kings of Leon on my CD player in the bathroom while I was having a shower.

It sort of got me in this carefree head space that I miss so much.

I've got a lot on my mind lately and every so often I need to take a step back and just think. I need to remind myself of my priority's in life and about what is important, or I will find myself beating off the black dog as it wrestles me to the ground, going straight for the jugular and wiping me out. This has happened before, and as I know the signs, I know I won't let it happen again.

I don't want to be wiped out. I want to be a success. I know I have this issue to deal with and I'm going to deal. I'm going to make it and I'm going to be a success.

I can be whatever I put my mind to.

I will work smart not hard.

My thoughts are that I just need to tell myself, over and over.

I used to have on the wall above my door a message reminding me that I deserve more than drop-kick guys, now I'm thinking I need a message (or a few messages/affirmations) here and there to remind me that I can do it and I will do it.

As I've been procrastinating over homework for the last few days, I think perhaps it's time I did that homework, eh? Eh? Eh?

BUT; I will write out what I need to affirm, as well, perhaps before the homework (yeah, I know, more procrastination!) Just talking about it, makes me feel better, and that's what I need right now.

Love,
Me

xx

The MUSH!

My heads a bit of a mush.

I know somethings wrong, and I'm not sure i can address it just yet;



My process (when somethings wrong) is to:


Have the "mush" - There's something up and it's REALLY getting to me

Compartmentalize the mush - figure out what i can and can't help, what's out of my control and what I can control.

Address the part of the Mush that I can control

Then finally (once I know my head a little better): Address the issues I have.


I think perhaps everyone has their own process and everyone has their own way of working through it. My way is my way. It works just fine for me. I'm going to use my blog to do just as is said above (the process); Here we go...



So; The mush...

Is about my relationship;

About my living;

About my school and work;

In short: About Ben, our relationship, the distance and the distant murmurs of people trying to talk through the distance and how that issue is going to be addressed.

Question is; is that the only issue? Or am I just making a mountain out of an ant hill?

It feels great just to write this down...

I'll start from the start, or as near as I can come to it.

Ben lives inter-state. We only see each other about once a month. We've been "official" for a week shy of four months. Previous to Ben, I had never had a relationship as serious as what I have with Ben. I love him, the true, romantic love that you just sink into, and it's amazing.

I suppose the main issue is that Ben lives so far away and he's talking about moving closer, which, commitment-phoebe me, is a little freaked out about as I think I have taken some comfort in the distance.

I can't believe my luck in finding someone like him, yet my fears that kept me out of conventional relationships before seem to just creep up.

Last night I went out with some friends and we had a GREAT time, much of the time was spent with a friend of mine in his car, talking about Ben.

This friend really does like Ben, and wants him to live down here, he even offered his services as a cabinet maker to put together some furniture for Ben, if he should so need it, free of charge.

I was talking to my friend though about Ben and how he's thinking of moving closer, etc. I think the unsaid, coming from me though, was my fear of being smothered. I have been smothered plenty in the past by men and women alike and I really do treasure my space and time alone. If he moved to my city, it would take away my "time alone"; he would be here all the time, espeshally if he lived with me. I don't think I'm ready for that. Maybe in the future I will be, but this is where I need to take baby steps. Perhaps he should move to the same city - for his course; Then move in with me in time or move out together; Then it'll be right, We'll address any issues we have in time, but we will have the time to figure that out, you know?

I also have the fears that, if we are to break up, I'm responsible for his move away from the family, although at the same time I'm not as he wants to do a course in my city. So I suppose when it comes down to it, it's really less pressure on me, but perhaps that was how I was feeling.

Speaking of feeling, I'm feeling a whole lot better after writing this. I think I've identified the problems - My mush - and I can deal with it, mostly on my own. I think perhaps I will talk this through with him, in time, but right now I just feel great having it off my chest.



Thanks Medium, You've done it once again! :)

Love me
xxx

A draft...

Hugh.

I hope you had a really amazing birthday yesterday and I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to catch you at the pub. My lift (Glen) canceled, so I couldn’t get there and back.

I need to know some things from you, as we don’t see each other regularly, this is the best way that I can think of to go about things.

I was under the impression that we were friends. I’m not too sure about how much you remember from the last night I saw you but I did say I wanted to be friends and you said the same back to me.

At this point, all I seem to be getting from you is one-line responses to stuff on myspace, ignored phone calls, etc.

I’m sending this because I want you to let me know what you want (or don’t want) from me. I’m a big girl and I can handle rejection. If you don’t want to ever see me again, I’d rather you just came out and said it over hoping that I’ll go away on my own.

If you do want to hang out or be friends, I’m more than happy at that and I apologize if you have just been busy or whatever and have not been able to keep in contact. I hope we do have more chance to talk (and drink, and hang out) after you read this.

Please write me back and let me know where things are at.

Thank you,

Stacey

Bad poetry to help one heal.

I'll throw my whole self in, heart and all
So you can get this fleating pleasure you won't even remember.

I'll give up all that I want, all that I need
Just so you can taste the sweetness of all the things you like.

I'll change and mold myself, I'll cover the cracks in the plaster
So you can have your perfect partner

I'll give up my life,
Just so you can have the one you want.

I'll grow up, realize how wrong all of this is
Then you'll be left old and alone because you never wanted me happy.

Note to you...

You don't understand why I'm so hurt.
I don't understand how you could hurt me this much.

No-one could rip me up this good right now.
So I thought. My control's a fallacy .

Burn me, tear me, bite me, bruise me, I've had it all before.
I've never had someone like you, maybe that's why things are so fucked.

Breathe you in, relax, my insides all gooey.
If only for a moment, please, give me one more moment.

The radio's playing some other cheesy song
I roll my eyes. "Just jealous 'cos we're young and in love".

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
- George Bernard Shaw

You're kidding me. I can't believe that people are so crazy. I can't believe that I was about to sink to someone else's level in order to get something sub-standard that would have done me more harm than good.

Why do you think I'm going to go for that? Because you would? I'm usually calm, collected and reasonable but you're on my last nerve. Get real.

Playing games was for when we were kids. I don't play games anymore. I'm to the point and I would think that you, with all your bullshit about strength and respect would get that. Or maybe you're not as strong as you make out to be. Maybe you really don't respect other people.

I'm wondering over the fall out if you were to ever figure out this was about you. Or if you were to even suspect it.

I don't want to be mad at you, I really do care about you, but please, neither of us can be acting this childishly, neither of us can afford to waste our lives. Cut out all the bullshit and take my hand, I'll make you fly.

I miss...

So I'm sitting up in my room, and can't sleep... listening to old songs because I can't find the new ones; I start to remember things from a time that seemed so long ago, but was in this year.

I remem
bered how I'd missed things.
How I'd misse
d feeling more free, how I'd missed falling, flying and the buzz that lasts for days.
How I'd misse
d sneaking back into the house at some bizarre hour only to get up an hour later for tafe, but still feeling refreshed.
I misse
d the way he made me feel good when he was so bad for me.
I miss speed
ing down the highway, singing some song with lyrics like, "I'm a brat, and I know everything, AND I TALK BACK!", Only to have him laugh, and make a face like his father, then for me to say something like, "It's true, and you love it!" then have him laugh harder.
I miss shoot
ing a text his way when I couldn't sleep only to find he couldn't either.
I miss looki
ng at him, and him having that wide smile, those cheeky eyes, right before he said "let's do it!"

I miss the way things were
but I don't miss him.


And what song made these thoughts pop into my head?

I hold an image of the ashtray girl
Of cigarette burns on my chest
I wrote a poem that described her world
And put our friendship to the test
And late at night
Whilst on all fours
She used to watch me kiss the floor
What's wrong with this picture?
What's wrong with this picture?

Farewell the ashtray girl
Forbidden snowflake
Beware this troubled world
Watch out for earthquakes
Goodbye to open sores
To broken semaphore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

Sometimes it's fated
(We) Disintegrated it
For fear of growing old
Sometimes it's fated
(We) Assassinated it
For fear of growing old

Farewell the ashtray girl
Angelic fruitcake
Beware this troubled world
Control your intake
Goodbye to open sores
Goodbye and furthermore
You know we miss her
We miss her picture

....

Hang on
Though we try
It's gone
Hang on
Though we try
It's gone


Goodn
ight.
x.x.x

Pointless and painful; like it's writer.

"wh I feel amaziini zinc vice thing I make pence with snout kids to self I know your head bad plate buddy you go bye"

The outbox on my phone makes oh-so-much sense!

It's sort of like your head on a good day, or like my own when I try to think about what one wants out of life and what one needs from their own relationships and time on this planet.

What do I want out of my time on this planet? I thought I knew but now I don't. Or maybe I never knew, maybe I was just kidding myself.

All of my good writing of late has been making me think about how out-of-control things have gotten, and then I think, did I ever really have control? Or was the control I had all in my head?

Will I just end up working to pay the rent and wasteing my days inside relationships and friendships that just make so little sense to everyone, but at the time make so much sense to me?

It's a shame the leader I used to follow just went to bed, or I could ask him, what the hell is going on tonight, what the hell is going on with me.

I want to fade away because it makes so much sense, because it's just easyer. What's the point of all of this? What's the point of being here and what's the point of me?

One day on the train headed home from TAFE I over-hear two idiot bogans, going on about heroin and other drugs, but what they're saying, if you read between the lines, makes so much sense.

One turned to the other and said something along the lines of; "This world is so fucked up, they put you on this planet, a kid not knowing what to do with themselves, and then you try so hard to find your way, but you just get lost, again and again, you want so badly to lose yourself in the sex, the drugs and the stupid things in life, and it hurts, because before you know it you're in your thirties and alone, nothing to show for yourself." (I may have changed, cut/added more to this, I don't know).

I don't think I need to point out that I don't want to be like these people, I want so badly to find my way, and at one point, early in this year when TAFE was just starting, and when I had a good boyfriend (in my eyes, but it appears in no-one elses), and I had everything going well, before I let it all get ontop of me and smother me, that things were working, or so they appeared.

This year has been really interesting in that I've met some really interesting people, and got to know some other people who I relate to really well, but who's lives are not that that I want to be living.

A good friend of mine, who I really don't need to name here, got into stripping and prostitution when she was my age (she's a year older than me, roughly - her birthdays Wednesday coming and she's 20), and for her, it all makes sense, it all feels good and it's bring in the cash that she can now spend on her polyamerous boyfriend.

Poly has been something that's got me so interested over the years, but I'm still not sure if I fit into that scene, even though a hell of a lot of the relationships - or couplings - I find myself in are Poly, which is great, for now.

But there is no direction, it's all exploration and I still don't know how happy I am with that.

This blog, in itself, the way it's written resembles the way things are for me right now, no great purpose and no direction, and I know that if it gets any comments at all, they will be people telling me that they, too, don't have direction or that I will find it soon. And really, do I want to find it? Will I be happy then?

Happiness comes from within, they say, but inside me there does not seem to be anything happy, or purposeful. It all seems to be without a purpose and just running, on it's own, because it has to, because there's no other way.

"I'm on auto-pilot, I can't feel anything anymore, it's numb and dark and cold, like a deep pit. I dig to get out but get further in, I dig me deeper... and I don't like it, not one bit." -me, at 15

If I took this other way, and hurt the people who truely cared about me, would they understand that I was long suffering, that things just seemed so hopeless and pointless to me that I just had to take this short road, and not my long one?

Don't get me wrong, this is not ment to make you worry about me and call me every hour to see I have not done something dumb, or something rash, but it's ment to give you some insite - and me some sense of control over things.

"Life feels like a pipe, and I am the liquid, flowing quickly, not finding anything to hold on to or that's worth holding onto, everything is as pointless and superficial as are some of these 'happy' feelings, fleeting and skin deep. I am here for the taken - who knew it would be so unwanted?"

Ow, my brain is fucked.

Feel better without feeling worse?

I suffer from depression.

It's something that for many years I have dodged, but I don't even remember the last time I felt 100 per cent.

Lately I've felt so down and out that I don't even get out of bed most days. I have a cycle of doona days and don't even want to get up to shower or brush my teeth.

It does not help that I keep getting sick, (colds, the flu, tonsillitis, laryngitis - this winter alone). I know I'm more at risk for these things because of my state of mental health - if you want an excuse not to do things, you'll find it, and it'll find you. - but it's still a struggle that does not compliment the state I'm in.

There are so many cycles here. That of me making myself worse to feel better. I have self-destructive written all over me and continue to find ways to hurt myself. None of these are going to improve my situation.

I suppose "the straw that broke the camels back" today was finding out that I've failed all my classes bar one. It hurt, but I knew it would happen. I needed that kick up the ass, and I got it. This week, after today, of course, as I've also been suffering insomnia, and after I write this I will be heading to bed, I will be doing a terms worth of work, scratch that, a semesters. It'll be hard, but I can do it. I'll just keep telling myself that.

I've hit a bottom, of sorts, but I know there's a whole level beneath this and I've been hiding from it too long. I need to talk to someone, a professional. I need to talk about my pain to get better. I need to hit a real bad patch, "get fucked up" to get sober, or so to speak.

I needed to write this down, for me, so I can feel a little better. *exhails*

Goodnight.
xxx